lirik lagu steven wright – monopoly
i think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game monopoly
~~~
i’m writing an unauthorized autobiography
when it comes out, i’m gonna sue myself
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24~hour banking?
i don’t have time for that
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a friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn’t first place
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i’m exhausted from trying to believe unbelievable things
all my friends tell me stories and then at the end, they say, “isn’t that unbelievable?” and i say, “i guess so.” then i try to believe it. then i’m exhaustеd
and i have to be asleep by one in thе morning ’cause my dreams are gonna start whether i’m sleeping or not. which can make for some pretty strange conversation if i’m still awake
“i thought those were your rickshaws.”
what the h~ll are you talking about?
~~~
when i was in high school, i worked in a pet store and they fired me ’cause, uh, what happened was, uh… they had three snakes in there and, uh… one day, i braided them
tried to pass it off as one snake with three heads
“oh, yes. it’s very rare. it’s from connecticut.”
~~~
i asked my girlfriend if she ever had s~x with a woman and she said no and i said, “you should try it. it’s fun.”
and she did. now she’s gone
~~~
you never see advertis~m~nts for string
they make string, but they never advertise
if i ever did a commercial, it would be for string
“hi! if you need to get some string, get this string. it’s the greatest string in the world. it’s almost rope. but it’s not. it’s string. and you can cut it up into different lengths and tie stuff up with it and stuff. i don’t know what you’re gonna do with it. just get it.”
~~~
yesterday, i returned a movie
the people at the theater were p~ssed
~~~
so i rented a movie and i put it in the dvd player and before the movie starts it says, uh, “this film has been modified to fit your television.”
can you imagine if it wasn’t?
all you’d see is, like, a knuckle
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