lirik lagu rap critic - the top 10 worst of 2014
hi, rap critic here, and it’s time yet again to count down the top ten worst lyrics i’ve ever heard… in 2014. let’s get started
(ta ha ha ha ha)
10. “or nah” ty dollar sign
i gottta lotta cash
i don’t mind spendin’ it
(ha ha ha ha)
oh, here we go. a rapper bragging about how it’s nothing for him to throw his limitless amount of money around and how he’s willing to spend any amount on any girl he wants
is we f-cking when we leave the club or nah?
i ain’t spending cash for nothing
i wanna see you take it off!
wait, didn’t you just say that you don’t mind spending money? i mean, i just -ssumed that since the song is about asking a girl if she’s down with all types of freaky s-xual stuff, and in the first words that are spoken in the song pertain to how you don’t mind spending lots of money, i mean, you gotta put two and two together!
i mean, how do you expect this conversation to go?
“hey baby, come roll with us! i got a lotta money i’m tryna spend!”
“well, could you buy me a drink?”
“well, not on you, you gold digger! ah, jeez, for once, can’t a man throw around a bag full of hundred dollar bills without women trying to har-ss him for drinks?! you know, that’s rude! you’re rude, ma’am! i’m taking my bag of money to another strip club!”
9. “stoner” young thug
when you beat the case, turn into a stoner child
we don’t stand in line, foreign shoes hurt your feet…
yeah, young thug and his gang don’t sand in line to get into clubs… mainly because their imported shoes cause foot pain
like, he would totally be down for standing in a long line if it weren’t for the fact that he forgot to buy insoles. and he says it like you’re supposed to expect foreign shoes to hurt, like it’s some kind of european custom!
look, young thug, i know there’s a whole thing about shoe size conversion from europe to america, but they’re not that hard to figure out. like i said, shoes aren’t supposed to hurt. well, unless you’re wearing high heels, but only women wear those… and i still don’t know why
i just might wake up wantin’ chanel
and these b-tches can’t see me!
oh yeah, there is that whole cross-dressing thing with young thug, where he wears little girls’ dresses, and you know, there are people who would defend cross-dressing, and hey, that’s all find and good, but allow me to clarify. he wears little girls’ dresses, as in clothing for eight year olds. and hey, if that were honestly his life and he brought it up in his lyrics as a way to challenge stereotypes of masculinity and stuff like exploring the mentality of a person who wears girls’ dresses, that could make for… weird and definitely challenging material to listen to. well, at least it might if this wasn’t all obvious publicity stunts in order to get people talking about him, because… yeah, the lyrics aren’t not that interesting
all the sixes we collect
b-tches we could s-x
8. “another day” fat joe feat. rick ross
phone still tapped
so it’s best to send a text
uh, yeah, people can still track those, too
in fact, in some cases, it’s easier to trace messages than actual phone conversations, and there’s actually some software out there that can retrieve deleted texts. so, if you know your phone’s already been tapped, it’s best just to not use that phone at all
dude, i don’t know that much about drug trafficking, but if you know you have a tapped phone, the last thing you want to do is send printable evidence of your interactions
of course, this is the same guy who thought expedia and wikipedia were interchangeable, so he probably doesn’t know that much about technology… or drug dealing
7. “nevermind that” ab-soul
you know the name, top dawg, b-tch!
no cat in this, i volunteered for these hunger games
you know, i’ve heard a lot about this ab-soul guy. he’s apparently a really good rapper, he’s been getting a lot of buzz, and he’s down with kendrick’s tde label, and that dude knows talent, so, so let me check out his most popular song; see what people are gravitating to. what’s a song he’s done, “nevermind that”? alright, let’s check it out
she wanna be a righteous young rich n-gga b-tch
are you a lesbian or a librarian?
-rap critic is unamused-
i know you got room for my d-ck…shhhhh…tionary!
nevermind that indeed
6. “we alright” rich gang
yea, it’s mo-
i’m gonna stop you real quick, i have a little question to ask first. um, is birdman still rapping in 2014? no, better question, better question… who wants to hear birdman rap in 2014?
yeah… it’s money over everything
we motivated, flyin’ over everything
twenty years, birdman. you’ve been rapping for twenty years, and not once have i heard you spit anything more complex than what you just said. granted, i’ve never heard a whole album from you before because…-snickers-… good lord, what person with goals and aspirations would want to?
no, really, i’m gonna call it. anyone who has willingly listened to more than one full birdman album past the age of fourteen probably doesn’t have that much going on in their life. because seriously, this is his whole rap career in a nutsh-ll:
yeah… it’s money over everything
we motivated, flyin’ over everything
that’s it! nothing else; nothing creative, nothing funny, nothing inspiring, nothing retrospective, and usually, nothing that actually rhymes. and even when you do try to use a metaphor or any semblance of wordplay, it usually fails
what up, five?
bag full of every president that ever died
why the h-ll do you have a bag stuffed with the bodies of deceased presidents? and how did you fit taft?
bag full of every president that ever died
oh, i’m sorry, he was referring to money when he said that. you know not every dead president is on u.s. currency, right? like, not even half of them. in fact, benjamin franklin, the dude on the hundred dollar bill, he wasn’t even a president! but, you know what, if this is what happens when you try to employ any literary technique that involves creativity, well, maybe you should just stick to pointing out the expensive things in your house
guns in the bas-m-nt
millions in the wall
gtv cases
audemars, and cigars, and them new toys
there you go, nice and simple. no metaphors or creativity; that’s too much work for you. just go back to being such a blatant commercial shill i’m surprised adblock doesn’t allow you to skip over his verses
take her to my castle
5. “no mediocre” t.i
drown her in my cash flow
say your d-ck so little
she can fit it in her -ssh0l-
so? look, i don’t know about you, and maybe it’s because we’re in the internet age where you can find anything, but in this day, the idea of a p-n-s being able to fit inside of a b-tt is not really that much of a stretch. -cough- no pun intended
i mean, i get what you’re trying to say; that he’s so small that you could fit him in your b-tt without lube or anything, but just saying by itself that your p-n-s is so small that you can have -n-l s-x… it’s just kind of underwhelming as an insult. that’s like saying:
“you have so little money, you could fit it in your wallet! ha ha, showed him!”
hut-hut one, hut-hut two
4. “only” nicki minaj
big t-tties, big b-tt, too
hi, nicki
my man full, he just ate
i don’t duck (duct?) n0body, but tape
eh, that was kinda clever
yeah! that was a setup
uh…
for a punchline…
errrr…
on duct (duck?) tape!
hrrmmmgghh!
really, nicki? did you think we needed your help with that one? did you think there were people out there who heard you say, “i don’t duck n0body but tape,” and said, “hold up, now wait a minute! she says she doesn’t duck from anyone! -random noise- then who is this ‘tape’ gentleman she makes an exception for?!”
and besides, when it comes to your lyrics that need explaining, i can think of a few others that can be a little more well suited for that
plasma
hey nicki, hey nicki: asthma!
that could use some explaining
maybe it’s time to put this p-ssy on your sideburns
mashing your v-g-n- against a specifically hairy side of someone’s face could definitely use some explaining!
swallow b-lls, nuts tooooooooooo…ooooooooooo…camel toe!
and this lyric… honestly, i chalked that up to drugs, but the line about duct tape, i don’t think we need help with that
3. “pu$$y” lupe fiasco
lupe fiasco has a song called “pu$$y.” -pause- i’m scared
let a n-gga get it for the low-low-low-low
lames tried to form it, brains couldn’t storm it
like a ororo-ro-ro-ro-ro-ro
in the philippines
eating chicken wings smothered with adobo-dobo-dobo-do!
lu… what the h-ll are you doing?
vatos, fiascos, vocos locos
like a cho-lo-lo-lo…
okay, i’m don’t even speak spanish and i’m pretty sure that doesn’t make any sense!
gadget
go, go, go, go, go
ratchet
ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
santa
ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
okay, stop, stop! what is going on here? this is just bad; unfocused, repet-tive, and bad! i don’t care if people try to excuse this and say it’s freestyled. i’ve heard lupe do better than this!
k-cee
jo-jo-jo-jo-jo
the h-ll are you talking about?
p-ssy n-gga, p-ssy p-ssy n-gga, p-ssy p-ssy n-gga, get f-cked
real… n-gga… twitter… whuuuut?
this is random nonsense. and don’t be one of those people saying, “oh, it’s a parody, he’s making fun of how lazy rap is these days!” well, you know what, if there’s one thing we should’ve learned from epic movie, it’s that parody can be just as lazy, too! bad music is bad music, and if it’s a parody, it’s still under the same parameters as a normal song. i’m tired of people giving carte blanche to musicians writing cr-ppy lyrics, as long as they give us a knowing wink at the end. this is not a song you actually listen to for any type of enjoyment; this is a song where you go, “oh, aren’t i smart for knowing that trap rap doesn’t take a lot of sk!ll to make,” and you never listen to it again!
it’s just bad songwriting! you wrote a bad song, lupe!
that said, i still look forward to your next album…what? still a fan
2. “don’t shoot” (a bunch of rappers)
so, i’m sure we’ve all heard about the michael brown case, in which an unarmed black man was shot and k!lled by a police officer, and due to the fact that this has happened countless times and that this… just happened to be one of the most publicized incidents, a bunch of rappers go together to make a new “self destruction;” a collaboration project between a great number of rappers in order to stand in solidarity on the issue of police brutality. and they pulled out all the big names in current hip-hop, like lil’ wayne-
(no)
oh, well, what about drake?
(no)
oh… kanye?
(no)
kendrick lamar?
(no)
jay-z?
(no)
well, who is on this song? what, 2 chainz?
(yes)
really? well, okay, what… other rapper is on this song that… probably shouldn’t be on a song against violence? um… the game?
(yes)
…rick ross
(yes)
really?! maybe he’s trying to make up for last year. uh, well, let me think of someone really random that… p. diddy?
(yes)
oh
well, you know, songs like this usually bring out the humanity in a person, and i can respect when someone, especially when someone’s as commercially viable as p. diddy, can come away from constant flux of ad campaigns and commercialism to talk about something serious
yo, come on, we gotta stick together
we all we got
yeah!
police taking shots and i ain’t talkin’ bout ciroc
yea-… you f-cking disgust me
was this the time to namedrop your luxury vodka drink?! and yeah, sure, it’s a quick line, and he says, “i ain’t talking about ciroc,” but, no! you know the point of namedropping something is to get people thinking about it, and it’s the motivation that led you to do that, and the implication that, even in a song about the death of an unarmed black man, with no accountability shown by the justice system, which chooses to unfairly protect men behind the badge, you think: “well, hey! just as good a time as any to shout out my expensive bottle of beverages!” i’m just saying, you didn’t hear him in his dedication to biggie smalls saying, “i’m so sad that my friend died, as i go to the funeral in my sean john suit, available at your local retail store take that take that take that.”
then, maybe it was just a line for the sake of wordplay. and ciroc just happened to be on his mind, sure, but with the way that p. diddy is such a marketing mogul, i wouldn’t put it past him. and sure, maybe i’m overreacting a bit, but i just think when they’re making this type of song, they should have told people not to talk about brand names, or at least this, because it kind of undermines the purpose, and it kinda makes it seem like you have ulterior motives
-stock footage of protest is shown-
“we want change in how the system works! we want revolution!”
“yay!”
“and this revolution should be brought to you by coca-cola!”
“hey, what the h-ll?”
“boo!” “bad idea!” “get out of here!” “n0body likes you, p. diddy!”
the queen of rap
slayin’ with queen bee
1. “flawless remix” beyoncé feat. nicki minaj & lil kim
uh! am i trippin’ or did this ho just say my naaaame?
oh, you trippin’ hard as a motherf-cker! ain’t n0body say yo name!
she’s calling her the name that people have been calling beyoncé for years now, queen bee, and i find it odd that you have not had a problem with anyone else saying that until nicki did. i mean, kim’s acting like nicki was trying to “reappropriate” your t-tle, even though no one was thinking about that t-tle anymore but you! now, admittedly, nicki did have a thing about dissing you two years ago for some reason
stupid ho should’ve befriended me
then she coulda prolly came back
which… wow, talk about kicking someone when they’re down
so, i get why you might think she still cares, but maybe she should’ve responded two years ago when she did that. or, maybe you did, and i just wasn’t paying attention. anyways, the thing that especially got my attention here was that, when i looked up lil kim’s verse, it wasn’t just her verse rapping over the beat of the original. no, the first three-and-a-half minutes of the original “flawless remix” plays first, and then it’s interrupted near the end. jeez, it’s almost as if she knew no one would give a cr-p about her verse unless it came tacked on the end of a more popular song! but hey, you know what, lil kim just called nicki out on her name, so if she’s gonna do that, she must have some fire for her. so here we go; what vicious attacks do you have for nicki minaj?
queen of rap? f-ck outta here
queen is back, f-ck outta here
time to get this wack b-tch up outta here
i woke up like this, f-ck outta here!
ooh! rhyming “outta here” with “outta here” with “outta here” with “outta here!” oh, that’ll show her who’s lyrically superior!
i’m so awesome, i’m so f-ckin’ awesome
these hoes wanna be me, cause they know kimmy, she flawless
if you knew you were so flawless your whole life, -shows before-and-after pictures- these wouldn’t be pictures of the same person
i just had a baby ’bout a week agooo!
and here, she puts nicki minaj in her place by- wait, you just had a child? so, you’re a forty-year-old grown woman who just went through nine months of labor, experienced the miracle of childbirth, and your artistic endeavor was to diss nicki minaj? this song is slowly reflecting more poorly on your character right now. you might wanna switch it up. dig your claws in a little deeper; get back to the point. here, i’ll help you: nicki minaj is a terrible person because…
dior lipstick with the mascara
kissin’ myself in the rearview mirror
uh…
head game so presidential
spit on a d-ck like an instrumental
…i’m sorry, were we arguing over who gave better oral s-x? because that’s how her verse ends, well, that and the obligatory…
uh!
you know, in order to impress upon us that she totally gave nicki a lyrical beatdown, even though she literally said nothing about her. it’s actually strange how she just sort of devolves into typical s-x raps, like she was trying to aim anything she could at her, but her inability to break out of the “s-x vixen” thing just impaired her capacity to focus on anything that wasn’t related to a man’s p-n-s. it’s kind of odd that she says that she spits on d-ck like instrumentals, instead of the other way around, because on a rap diss, you’re supposed to talk about how good you are at rapping, not at giving bl-wj-bs
but, hey, that’s how she chose to end it, so i can only -ssume that was her grievance, so look, i’m willing to help solve this. if that’s what you were concerned about, lil kim, here. i’m sure we can all p-ssively agree that you can have the t-tle of “best oral s-x giver in hip-hop,” and nicki minaj will just have to stick with the t-tle of “being relevant.” well, that was my list. if you have your own list of bad lyrics from 2014, please feel free to post them in the comments; it’s always funny to see stuff that i might’ve missed. well, till next time, i’m the rap critic. you don’t have to like my opinion, but i don’t have to like your song
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