lirik lagu dragonex – thoughts/memories/regrets
part 1: thoughts
[verse]
the weather is fair, but i
never felt colder in my
entire life before i
wanna go home, but i’m
already there, but i meant
that place over there, where i
grew up, and didn’t worry
bout bein’ so scared, about my
life is in shambles, so i
keep on just rambling, scrambling
trying to find my
innocence lost
i stay wrapped up in these thoughts
i wanna end it all before they consume me
right through me, put a bullet into my mind
dying of suicide, but why would i lose?
i thought i never did, but depression can overtake the strongest of dudes
but i gots to see it through, but what if i can’t?
but what if i can, what if i can’t?
now what am i to do?
these thoughts conflicting and dueling, my mental illness is ruling
tryna hide it from my family, but who am i fooling?
know there’s a reason mama’s always asking me if i’m fine
i know she doesn’t wanna see her one and only kid die
so i keep living for mom and dad, even though i’m doing bad
even though it’d be better if i was dead rather than sad
but i know that they have my back no matter what
so maybe i should be a little more open, when i’m in a bad rut
i’m really sorry i ain’t been acting myself as of recent
all i need’s a little weed, then i’m back being decent
temporarily, it’s scarin’ me just how much i need it
without it, my depression’s so obvious, you can see it
i think that i’m dyin’, but i
don’t wanna alarm you just by
telling you that i’m distressed, but
i’m growing far too depressed for
everything building up, it’s
taking a toll on me, i
am losing my sanity, but
i don’t wanna make you feel bad
part 2: memories
[verse]
my grandma used to sing me songs when i was a little boy
back when i was so naive, yet filled with joy
back when i was a little kid, i used to play with toys
nowadays there is not jack sh~t that i can enjoy
i used to run around the neighborhood swingin’ around a stick
while i watched my friends do tricks, on they bikes
now i just ain’t right in the head
i’m wishin’ that i was dead
but i would rather go back to wishin’ for a f~ckin’ sibling instead
i used to wish i had a brother or a sister so bad
i made up some imaginary ones for when i was feelin’ sad
i guess i grew out of ‘em, but they live on inside my heart
bet there’s a little bit of them inside every piece of art that i make
i didn’t know what was fake, back in the day
i f~ckin’ worshipped santa claus like he was a god, i would pray
a girl kissed me on the playground at 6 years old
we used to walk around carving our names in the poles
second grade come around, and i’m hyped
future in my sights, ready to be reachin’ new heights
ready to go and take a bite of the apple
the serpent watchin’ me grapple
that’s where the struggle begins
that’s where i start to lose myself, and start wanting it to end
my math teacher was a c~nt, always picked favorites, i never made it
in her eyes, i was just a vagrant
i hate it, she made me feel like f~ckin’ sh~t, everyday and
i wasn’t happy, i had to fake it
she used to yell at me, over the littlest things
and it set an example for the students and it made ‘em f~ckin’ think
it was okay to walk all over me and treat me like i’m subhuman
some stupid f~ckin’ r~t~rded piece of sh~t with no future
and i couldn’t pay attention while doin’ multiplication
so most the teachers agreed that i should be on medication
but it didn’t happen, maybe i would’ve been better if it did
maybe i wouldn’t have been so f~ckin’ weird and i would’ve had more friends
i hated school so much that i hoped my parents would pull me
so mama got me a flip phone for when i was getting bullied
we used to have code words that i would use to reach her
“candy” if it was a student, “apple” if it was a teacher
eventually, i got pulled out halfway into grade three
cause i was tired of the way the f~ckin’ system would degrade me
by the time of my homeschooling, you could see my ribs through my stomach
i guess an ulcer can cause you to not be consuming something
without feeling like it’s boutta come back up
the stress was makin’ it worse, and the issues were stacked up
but after i got back into eating again, i had the best years of my life
very minimal f~ckin’ strife, i think i was doin’ alright
i was a weird ass f~ckin’ kid, but i didn’t put my mind on it
i would keep being myself until i died from it
me and the other homeschooled kids would play in they backyard
havin’ sword fights with tree branches ‘til past dark
shouts out to the charles st. gang, all the kids that was on my street
back in the year of 2014
the best year that i ever lived, but after that it kinda went to sh~t
growing up, and depression’s a b~tch
but the memories will never fade away, and that’s what keeps me f~ckin’ goin’
and now, i must get rollin’ wherever the wind is blowin’
and i know n0body’s childhood could ever be the same as mine
remember when it all started, back in 2009
part 3: regrets
[verse]
4 years. been a while, ain’t it?
think ‘bout how we lost you everyday n i f~ckin’ hate it
i wanna talk to god and ask him why he took you away
i don’t know what god could say to comfort me in this sh~t
you left an impact on everyone around you
that will last for generations, your memory never faded
the greatest to ever walk this earth, but given a curse
took too early, no one even got to say goodbye first
[bridge]
and everybody f~ckin’ misses you more than you know
wish i could talk to you again, i wish you didn’t go
[verse]
and everytime that i look back i get pretty upset
takin’ good times for granted’s the biggest of my regrets
i remember bein’ bored outta my mind ready to go home
now i get emotional when i’m lookin’ thru photos
i remember this one from when i was about six or seven
a picture of you throwin’ up a peace sign behind my head and
if there is an afterlife, everyone knows you went to heaven
ain’t no guessin’, life of the party, rensselaerian legend
scottie manns, a name that no one should forget
i think about you every f~ckin’ day, and i’m bein’ legit
i wouldn’t lie about the sh~t, i f~ckin’ miss you unc
i just wanna see you again, man, that’s all i want
i want to apologize for never appreciating the times
we would vibe and just listen to music outside
bonfire roaring in your backyard, fireworks goin’ high
now my mom can’t listen to nickleback ‘cause it brings a tear to her eye
and i, i get high all the f~ckin’ time
because i know that’s what you would’ve wanted, right
and everytime that i wanna cry
i know that even though you’re gone, you’re right by my side, i love you scooter
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