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lirik lagu the 365 project - no album today

[spoken word]
sorry everybody, theres no album today
sorry about that

[silence]

[spoken word]
no album today guys, no album today
but since you stuck around

let me tell you the story of a man called spillbo targat

spillbo was a simple man. he liked cheese, monster energy and listening to slam metal at a high volume. but his favorite slam band was called dorito vasectomy. he’d listen to them all the time. he especially loved their song “people that eat cool ranch doritos shouldn’t be allowed to vote”. now spillbo, he loved cool ranch doritos. in fact, that was his favorite flavor. so for years and years he had to hide this fact about himself as he was worried that he would be judged

one day, he got tickets to see dorito vasectomy live in concert! he was so excited, it was all he could think about. until eventually, the day came. but spillbo tends to get hungry pretty quickly, so without thinking, he packed a backpack filled to the brim with cool ranch doritos

when he got to the gig, it smelled terrible. i don’t think a single person had put on deodorant. it was awful. but spillbo was able to look past this. it didn’t matter, he would do anything to see his favorite band. when he reached the mosh pit, others initially judged his backpack, but soon realized that spillbo was the greatest mosher in the whole pit. he had so much energy and he enjoyed every second. he was having a blast

inevitably, spillbo got hungry so he went to leave the pit to eat a bag of cool ranch doritos. however, something happened. spillbo slipped on an inconveniently placed banana peel and was sent flying, and with him, every bag of cool ranch doritos fell out of his bag and onto the ground

the whole place went silent. the band stopped playing. no one uttered a single word. no one breathed a single breath

then suddenly, “hey! you really think you can come to one of our shows, freak?!” yelled the frontman, cobbler jones

spillbo said nothing
“get out! get out!”

the entire crowd erupted in a chorus of disapproving boos and obscenities. spillbo couldn’t believe it

then suddenly, a rabid army of flesh eating goblins appeared on the stage and started eating cobbler alive!

“help meeee! help!” he yelled

but it was no use. the goblins ate him alive, only leaving a single toe. everyone abandoned the set, horrified of who the goblins would attack next. however, as spillbo frantically ran out of the chaos, he was accidentally pushed into a cannon and shot out. he was launched thousands of miles across the ocean, eventually landing in loch ness, all the way from rural ohio

“i can’t believe this!” he said to himself. “i let down my greatest hero cobbler jones, and now he’s dead!”

spillbo began to sob, but suddenly, none other than michael sandison and marcus eoin of boards of canada emerged from the water on top of the loch ness monster

“who has awoken me from my slumber?” michael sandison asked

“what?” spillbo continued to sob

marcus eoin used his magic wizard powers to move spillbo on top of nessie. “what is your predicament?” marcus spoke

spillbo began, “i brought cool ranch doritos to a dorito vasectomy show and now cobbler jones is dead!”

“the prophecy,” michael spoke worriedly

“what’s happening? what’s the prophecy?” asked spillbo
“come now, young spillbo. there is no time to waste,” marcus spoke. the loch ness monster began raising in the air and then it flew away, with everyone on its back

michael began to speak, “every 500 years, one person is elected as the central force of all of the earth’s energy. cobbler jones was the most recently elected, but with 89 years left in his run, his duties are incomplete. with no central force, global warming will take effect 3,000 times quicker and we will be doomed to a world of steaming hot water.”

marcus continues, “the effects have already begun. i’ve been told that cthulhu has already melted from his ice prison and is freely roaming the earth. we may be too late.”

now, i am world famous beaver punxsutawney phil. i do not wish for global warming as it directly impacts my line of work, so i teamed up with cthulhu to take down the united states government and destroy the goblins so i may act as the central force of earth’s energy

back to the main gang, they arrive in united states capitol washington d.c. to confront the army of rabid goblins

“we ate the energy, spillbo!” they all say in unison

“drats!” says michael sandison. “what will we do now?”

then cthulhu shows up and stomps all of the goblins into the ground and dismantles the entire united states government

i, punxsutawney phil, then absorb all of the energy and become the new singularity

“now that i have all of the earth’s power”, i say, “we need protective protocols to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. oh, but i’m getting old, i surely won’t be able to hold all this power on my own.”

then, i spotted spillbo targat. he’s a young man, full of potential. he’s got the eyes of someone who wishes to help but hasn’t found a purpose in the world yet. he was perfect

“you! spillbo!” i shout

“me?” he responds
“yes, you! i have a lot on my plate now, having both all of the power of earth within me and the responsibilities of protecting the united states of america. could you take a little bit off of said metaphorical plate and take care of all of earth’s power for me?”

“yeah, sure.”

“excellent! now i shall take power. have fun spillbo!”

and that is how i became the president of the united states of america

anyways sorry for not having an album today, i promise i will have one tommorow
okay, bye

- lirik lagu the 365 project

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