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lirik lagu steve lawrence, robert alda & sally ann howes - lights! camera! platitude!

[sammy]
[al]
[kit]

[spoken]
there’s nothing to it, al
all you gotta do is you take a big, basic punchline from the movies and you build a story around it
look, i’ll give you an example: what’s your favorite punchline from the movies?
you mean cliche, platitude?
yeah
well, my favorite is, ‘doctor, there are some things man was not meant to tamper with’
gotcha

[verse 1]
it’s the mad doctor’s lab and this broad is on the slab
what she’s wearing is no quilt, fl!ckety~fl!ck
man, she’s got a crazy built, fl!ckety~fl!ck
doc’s a fiend wearing specs
kind of hipped on s~x, ha, ha, ha

[verse 2]
figures he can make this jane, fl!ckety~fl!ck
hе fitters with her brain, fl!ckety~fl!ck
hе says, ‘you’ll be my bride after i probe inside’
okay, so what’s the lady’s attitude?
cue me!
lights! camera! platitude!
‘please, doctor, there’s some things man was not meant to tamper with’
another sammy gl!ck original!
sammy, do a prison picture!
yeah, prison pictures ~ they’re loaded with punchlines!

there’s this con stuck in jail
here he’s got a cheating frail
trucking closer while he flips, fl!ckety~fl!ck
let ’em see him bite his lips, fl!ckety~fl!ck
quick, dissolve!
he’s awake
it’s the night he makes his break
draws a pistol on the guard, fl!ckety~fl!ck
walks him through the prison yard, fl!ckety~fl!ck

spotlights begin to gleam, sirens begin to scream
this lot has got a lot of latitude
cue me!
lights! camera! platitude!
‘is it warden? i told you no night hotel could hold me’
‘there’s no such thing as a bad boy’
‘let me go in and talk to that boy, warden ~ i gave him his first communion; eddie! give me that run!’
‘oh, padre, padre, i’m sorry! i thought you was a cop! ah, ah, ah!’
‘padre, this is the end of big eddie confetti!’
‘eddie, eddie, wait, before you die, you’ve got to know we’ve got a darling new baby boy and he looks just like you!’
‘he has stripes!’
historical!
historical!
historical!

president grant on campaign
making speeches from a train
his reception’s kind of mild, fl!ckety~fl!ck
so he grabs this little child
”what’s your name, youngster?’
‘bell, sir! alexander graham bell!’
‘don’t call us, we’ll call you’

haunted house!
haunted house!
rainy night
watch this one, it’s a real delight
spiderwebs and creaky floors, creakety~creak
secret passages and doors, creakety~creak
‘ah! that’s funny, that door wasn’t there before!’
‘creeeeak!’
‘go back, doctor, there are some things man was not meant to tamper with!’

how’s that to get mileage out of a line, al?
great, but here’s one you forgot!
ya~da~da~dum~dum~dum
there on the edge of hill
she looks pain and really sings
wack~a~doo, wack~a~doo, wack~a~doo!
it’s the biggest in the wings
wack~a~doo, wack~a~doo, wack~a~doo!
young lady, you’re the whole light, you’re the only one i want
you open up at the palace five, hundred bucks a week, what do you say?’
but we’re a team! what about him?
‘team? you’re holding me back! ziegfeld wants me to do a single!
i’m glad to get rid of you!’
ha, ha, stick with me kids, you’ll be millionaires!
hollywood’s a golden mine, fl!ckety~fl!ck
if you throw that golden line, fl!ckety~fl!ck
sweetheart, it’s what you toss that makes your happy boss pick up your option out of gratitude

‘achtung, periscope! torpedo’s very ten…nine…och!
torpedo laus!
och, they hit them!
oh, now they drown!
and we don’t take no prisoners
we don’t take any prisoners

lights! camera!
make a melodrama even melodrama~er with a platinum plated movie, too!
the end!

- lirik lagu steve lawrence robert alda sally ann howes

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