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lirik lagu sahida apsara - amnesia

[verse: sahida apsara]
you became a stranger when i became a teenager
it’s funny how bad memories can erase so good ones
it’s funny how we hold on tight to bad ones
so we can keep being angry and keep having good reason to
i know there were times when we were happy
but i can’t seem to remember it
somewhere between crayon and br~~sts i became your enemy
i only wanted to love you
cause out of the millions and billions
of daddies in the world you were mine
but after diving deep into bloodshot oceans
hopeful for warmth and never finding it
a little voice in the little me started echoing
whispers of forgetting
of just not caring for the times when we were pals
somewhere between surviving and living
your armor grew tougher as your heart grew weaker
see, i didn’t know how hard it must have been
on the battlefield workplace
trading life force for prejudice and paychecks
the crush of institutional racism on a man’s psyche
they stole nature from your brow
planting creases between them
where my kisses should’ve been
you imprinted indigo around her eyes
launched ballistic missiles into the pillars of this home to control
to reclaim your power as a man
to demand the respect stolen at your workplace
and silence rubbed the air like a gas chamber
she retaliated
with her tongue tipped in plutonium warheads
stuck between enemy lines
we took cover under the bed
trapped in a war zone
but confused as to who the enemies were
now all i can remember
is the deafening silence of broken glass
seconds, minutes after it had been smashed
like spilled milk gone bad curdling pieces of stifled words
and knotted tummies
never inflict violence on a woman
no matter how much you think she deserves it
no matter how she cunningly provokes your anger
just to get you to glare into her eyes
so she can feel like she still exists
beyond the cups of coffee she perfectly brewed to gain your affection
but no one ever taught you to be the man i needed you to be
as much a victim of patriarchy as i was
you showed me love in a language i didn’t understand
you dropped it into the sweat that fashioned the bread you put on our table
you dyed your love into the fabric
stitched it into the lining of my uniforms
embedded your love in school fees, bills paid, and rollerblades
you put your love everywhere around me
but to a little girl
your temper spoke louder than your actions
and i have never been good at treasure hunts
i didn’t find the love notes you hid in my warm bed
between textbook pages in pockets of sparkly dresses
but there came a time i stopped looking for your love
and i started plotting my escape
i left with a backpack full of dreams
the calcification of words unspoken made my bones stronger
my shoulders perfectly sculpted by struggles
my rebellion became my saving grace
and i became a leader, where i could have been a statistic
now i’ve found the treasure you had hidden in my sleep
and i know you did the best you could with the little you had
hard~working blue~collar men had no time for yoga or healing sessions
your sweat metabolized my possibilities
wounded boys become broken men
and no one ever taught you to be the dad i needed you to be
i love you
i remember now
all those times you told me i could be anything i wanted to be
how could i have forgotten you said that to me?

- lirik lagu sahida apsara

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