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lirik lagu ryan oakes - too many times

[verse 1]
imagine your self~worth is so low that you don’t feel useful without being used
a stranger to healthy, you smile in selfies, but it don’t feel real unless you’re abused
all of the homies that teasein’ you like it’s a lovebite but it’s just a regular bruise
programmed to think you deserve it so you don’t reverse it and keep on repeatin’ the loop
it’s generational trauma
my dna’s been poisoned
i don’t blame my father or mama
they tried to make the right choices
now i’m breathin’ in marijuana
goin’ over life choices
sweatin’ like i stepped in a sauna
i keep hearing all of these voices
like “you’re never worth it”
on the surface
always calm, but beneath, i’m nervous
work my ass off, i deserve this
but i never feel like i deserve it
my hair stand on my epidermis
i’m flippin’ out ’cause my life a circus
i try to fix it, but nothing’s workin’
it’s worthless

[chorus 1]
i asked for love too many times
and was told to “shut up” too many times
feeling been down on my luck too many times
people didn’t give a f~ck too many times
been terrified to touch too many times
guess i wasn’t hard enough too many times
look at myself in disgust too many times
and i couldn’t readjust too many times
[verse 2]
i look in the mirror and i see a sh~ll
it’s like an old friend that i used to know well
although i’m not sure i was ever my friend
’cause i never tried finding the love in myself
it’s more like a stranger that’s stuck in a cell
whose voice didn’t matter whenever he yelled
n0body’s comin’ to save him and gave him a chip on his shoulder, he never got help
succeeded all on my own
so in crowds, i feel i’m alone
no matter how many decorations i put up, i can’t make any houses feel like they’re a home
tellin’ my therapist, “my brain, it broke”
he tells me it’s healthy, the way that i cope
but that doesn’t give any answers or any solutions on why there’s a knot in my throat
i never get close
maybe it’s my fault i’m always keeping a distance
for instance
to half of my friends, i feel like an assistant
talking to me when they need me to do something for them, it’s never consistent
good riddance
i think i’ve watched life grant all of my enemies’ wishes–

[chorus 2]
one too many times
watched doors get shut too many times
got thrown into the dust too many times
had my confidence crushed too many times
back at it in my gut too many times
had nothing as a crutch too many times
lovers into l~st too many times
and i couldn’t readjust too many times
[verse 3]
so no sh~t that i’m different
i used to hide in the high of barbiturates
phantom limbs, i gave an arm and a leg to have everyone begging and egg me to give them more ligaments
just to be played like an instrument
somewhere in me is a child whose innocence
got stripped away from the cognitive dissonance
now i’m in la, i made it, i’m self~made
but n0body’s texting, or calling, or visiting
they used to laugh at me, now i just laugh at me, too
thought i would win to get back at her, but now the more that i’m winning, the more that i lose
i honestly have everything that i’ve ever wanted and i’m out of every excuse
not to be happy, but i’m no happy so i lay awake every night, all confused
what happened?

- lirik lagu ryan oakes

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