lirik lagu marcel proust - mademoiselle de forcheville(chap. 2)
chapter two
mademoiselle de forcheville
it was not that i was not still in love with albertine, but no longer in the same fashion as in the final phase. no, it was in the fashion of the earliest times, when everything that had any connexion with’ her, places or people, made me feel a curiosity in which there was more charm than suffering. and indeed i was quite well aware now that before i forgot her altogether, before i reached the initial stage of indifference, i should have, like a traveller who returns by the same route to his starting-point, to traverse in the return direction all the sentiments through which i had p-ssed before arriving at my great love. but these fragments, these moments of the past are not immobile, they have retained the terrible force, the happy ignorance of the hope that was then yearning towards a time which has now become the past, but which a hallucination makes us for a moment mistake retrospectively for the future. i read a letter from albertine, in which she had said that she was coming to see me that evening, and i felt for an instant the joy of expectation. in these return journeys along the same line from a place to which we shall never return, when we recall the names, the appearance of all the places which we have p-ssed on the outward journey, it happens that, while our train is halting at one of the stations, we feel for an instant the illusion that we are setting off again, but in the direction of the place from which we have come, as on the former journey. soon the illusion vanishes, but for an instant we felt ourselves carried away once again: such is the cruelty of memory
at times the reading of a novel that was at all sad carried me sharply back, for certain novels are like great but temporary bereavements, they abolish our habits, bring us in contact once more with the reality of life, but for a few hours only, like a nightmare, since the force of habit, the oblivion that it creates, the gaiety that it restores to us because our brain is powerless to fight against it and to recreate the truth, prevails to an infinite extent over the almost hypnotic suggestion of a good book which, like all suggestions, has but a transient effect
and yet, if we cannot, before returning to the state of indifference from which we started, dispense ourselves from covering in the reverse direction the distances which we had traversed in order to arrive at love, the trajectory, the line that we follow, are not of necessity the same. they have this in common, that they are not direct, because oblivion is no more capable than love of progressing along a straight line. but they do not of necessity take the same paths. and on the path which i was taking on my return journey, there were in the course of a confused p-ssage three halting-points which i remember, because of the light that shone round about me, when i was already nearing my goal, stages which i recall especially, doubtless because i perceived in them things which had no place in my love for albertine, or at most were attached to it only to the extent to which what existed already in our heart before a great p-ssion -ssociates itself with it, whether by feeding it, or by fighting it, or by offering to our -n-lytical mind, a contrast with it
the first of these halting-points began with the coming of winter, on a fine sunday, which was also all saints’ day, when i had ventured out of doors. as i came towards the bois, i recalled with sorrow how albertine had come back to join me from the trocadéro, for it was the same day, only without albertine. with sorrow and yet not without pleasure all the same, for the repet-tion in a minor key, in a despairing tone, of the same motif that had filled my day in the past, the absence even of françoise’s telephone message, of that arrival of albertine which was not something negative, but the suppression in reality of what i had recalled, of what had given the day a sorrowful aspect, made of it something more beautiful than a simple, unbroken day, because what was no longer there, what had been torn from it, remained stamped upon it as on a mould
in the bois, i hummed phrases from vinteuil’s sonata. i was no longer hurt by the thought that albertine had fooled me, for almost all my memories of her had entered into that secondary chemical state in which they no longer cause any anxious oppression of the heart, but rather comfort. now and then, at the p-ssages which she used to play most often, when she was in the habit of uttering some reflexion which i had thought charming at the time, of suggesting some reminiscence, i said to myself: “poor little girl,” but without melancholy, merely adding to the musical phrase an additional value, a value that was so to speak historic and curious like that which the portrait of charles i by van dyck, so beautiful already in itself, acquires from the fact that it found its way into the national collection because of mme. du barry’s desire to impress the king. when the little phrase, before disappearing altogether, dissolved into its various elements in which it floated still for a moment in scattered fragments, it was not for me as it had been for swann a messenger from albertine who was vanishing. it was not altogether the same -ssociation of ideas that the little phrase had aroused in me as in swann. i had been impressed, most of all, by the elaboration, the attempts, the repet-tions, the ‘outcome’ of a phrase which persisted throughout the sonata as that love had persisted throughout my life. and now, when i realised how, day by day, one element after another of my love departed, the jealous side of it, then some other, drifted gradually back in a vague remembrance to the feeble bait of the first outset, it was my love that i seemed, in the scattered notes of the little phrase, to see dissolving before my eyes
as i followed the paths separated by undergrowth, carpeted with a gr-ss that diminished daily, the memory of a drive during which albertine had been by my side in the carriage, from which she had returned home with me, during which i felt that she was enveloping my life, floated now round about me, in the vague mist of the darkening branches in the midst of which the setting sun caused to gleam, as though suspended in the empty air, a horizontal web embroidered with golden leaves. moreover my heart kept fluttering at every moment, as happens to anyone in whose eyes a rooted idea gives to every woman who has halted at the end of a path, the appearance, the possible ident-ty of the woman of whom he is thinking. “it is perhaps she!” we turn round, the carriage continues on its way and we do not return to the spot. these leaves, i did not merely behold them with the eyes of my memory, they interested me, touched me, like those purely descriptive pages into which an artist, to make them more complete, introduces a fiction, a whole romance; and this work of nature thus -ssumed the sole charm of melancholy which was capable of reaching my heart. the reason for this charm seemed to me to be that i was still as much in love with albertine as ever, whereas the true reason was on the contrary that oblivion was continuing to make such headway in me that the memory of albertine was no longer painful to me, that is to say, it had changed; but however clearly we may discern our impressions, as i then thought that i could discern the reason for my melancholy, we are unable to trace them back to their more remote meaning. like those maladies the history of which the doctor hears his patient relate to him, by the help of which he works back to a more profound cause, of which the patient is unaware, similarly our impressions, our ideas, have only a symptomatic value. my jealousy being held aloof by the impression of charm and agreeable sadness which i was feeling, my senses reawakened. once again, as when i had ceased to see gilberte, the love of woman arose in me, rid of any exclusive -ssociation with any particular woman already loved, and floated like those spirits that have been liberated by previous destructions and stray suspended in the springtime air, asking only to be allowed to embody themselves in a new creature. nowhere do there bud so many flowers, forget-me-not though they be styled, as in a cemetery. i looked at the girls with whom this fine day so countlessly blossomed, as i would have looked at them long ago from mme. de villeparisis’s carriage or from the carriage in which, upon a similar sunday, i had come there with albertine. at once, the glance which i had just cast at one or other of them was matched immediately by the curious, stealthy, enterprising glance, reflecting unimaginable thoughts, which albertine had furtively cast at them and which, duplicating my own with a mysterious, swift, steel-blue wing, wafted along these paths which had hitherto been so natural the tremor of an unknown element with which my own desire would not have sufficed to animate them had it remained alone, for it, to me, contained nothing that was unknown
moreover at balbec, when i had first longed to know albertine, was it not because she had seemed to me typical of those girls the sight of whom had so often brought me to a standstill in the streets, upon country roads, and because she might furnish me with a specimen of their life? and was it not natural that now the cooling star of my love in which they were condensed should explode afresh in this scattered dust of nebulae? they all of them seemed to me albertines — the image that i carried inside me making me find copies of her everywhere — and indeed, at the turning of an avenue, the girl who was getting into a motor-car recalled her so strongly, was so exactly of the same figure, that i asked myself for an instant whether it were not she that i had just seen, whether people had not been deceiving me when they sent me the report of her death. i saw her again thus at the corner of an avenue, as perhaps she had been at balbec, getting into a car in the same way, when she was so full of confidence in life. and this other girl’s action in climbing into the car, i did not merely record with my eyes, as one of those superficial forms which occur so often in the course of a walk: become a sort of permament action, it seemed to me to extend also into the past in the direction of the memory which had been superimposed upon it and which pressed so deliciously, so sadly against my heart. but by this time the girl had vanished
a little farther on i saw a group of three girls slightly older, young women perhaps, whose fashionable, energetic style corresponded so closely with what had attracted me on the day when i first saw albertine and her friends, that i hastened in pursuit of these three new girls and, when they stopped a carriage, looked frantically in every direction for another. i found one, but it was too late. i did not overtake them. a few days later, however, as i was coming home, i saw, emerging from the portico of our house, the three girls whom i had followed in the bois. they were absolutely, the two dark ones especially, save that they were slightly older, the type of those young ladies who so often, seen from my window or encountered in the street, had made me form a thousand plans, fall in love with life, and whom i had never been able to know. the fair one had a rather more delicate, almost an invalid air, which appealed to me less. it was she nevertheless that was responsible for my not contenting myself with glancing at them for a moment, but, becoming rooted to the ground, staring at them with a scrutiny of the sort which, by their fixity which nothing can distract, their application as though to a problem, seem to be conscious that the true object is hidden far beyond what they behold. i should doubtless have allowed them to disappear as i had allowed so many others, had not (at the moment when they p-ssed by me) the fair one — was it because i was scrutinising them so closely? — darted a stealthy glance at myself, than, having p-ssed me and turning her head, a second glance which fired my blood. however, as she ceased to pay attention to myself and resumed her conversation with her friends, my ardour would doubtless have subsided, had it not been increased a hundredfold by the following incident. when i asked the porter who they were: “they asked for mme. la d-ch-sse,” he informed me. “i think that only one of them knows her and that the others were simply seeing her to the door. here’s the name, i don’t know whether i’ve taken it down properly.” and i read: ‘mlle. déporcheville,’ which it was easy to correct to’d’éporcheville,’ that is to say the name, more or less, so far as i could remember, of the girl of excellent family, vaguely connected with the guermantes, whom robert had told me that he had met in a disorderly house, and with whom he had had relations. i now understood the meaning of her glance, why she had turned round, without letting her companions see. how often i had thought about her, imagining her in the light of the name that robert had given me. and, lo and behold, i had seen her, in no way different from her friends, save for that concealed glance which established between me and herself a secret entry into the parts of her life which, evidently, were concealed from her friends, and which made her appear more accessible — almost half my own — more gentle than girls of n0ble birth generally are. in the mind of this girl, between me and herself, there was in advance the common ground of the hours that we might have spent together, had she been free to make an appointment with me. was it not this that her glance had sought to express to me with an eloquence that was intelligible to myself alone? my heart throbbed until it almost burst, i could not have given an exact description of mlle. d’éporcheville’s appearance, i could picture vaguely a fair complexion viewed from the side, but i was madly in love with her. all of a sudden i became aware that i was reasoning as though, of the three girls, mlle. d’éporcheville could be only the fair one who had turned round and had looked at me twice. but the porter had not told me this. i returned to his lodge, questioned him again, he told me that he could not enlighten me, but that he would ask his wife who had seen them once before. she was busy at the moment scrubbing the service stair. which of us has not experienced in the course of his life these uncertainties more or less similar to mine, and all alike delicious? a charitable friend to whom we describe a girl that we have seen at a ball, concludes from our description that she must be one of his friends and invites us to meet her. but among so many girls, and with no guidance but a mere verbal portrait, may there not have been some mistake? the girl whom we are about to meet, will she not be a different girl from her whom we desire? or on the contrary are we not going to see holding out her hand to us with a smile precisely the girl whom we hoped that she would be? this latter case which is frequent enough, without being justified always by arguments as conclusive as this with respect to mlle. d’éporcheville, arises from a sort of intuition and also from that wind of fortune which favours us at times. then, when we catch sight of her, we say to ourself: “that is indeed the girl.” i recall that, among the little band of girls who used to parade along the beach, i had guessed correctly which was named albertine simonet. this memory caused me a keen but transient pang, and while the porter went in search of his wife, my chief anxiety — as i thought of mlle. d’éporcheville and since in those minutes spent in waiting in which a name, a detail of information which we have, we know not why, fitted to a face, finds itself free for an instant, ready if it shall adhere to a new face to render, retrospectively, the original face as to which it had enlightened us strange, innocent, imperceptible — was that the porter’s wife was perhaps going to inform me that mlle. d’éporcheville was, on the contrary, one of the two dark girls. in that event, there would vanish the being in whose existence i believed, whom i already loved, whom i now thought only of possessing, that fair and sly mlle. d’éporcheville whom the fatal answer must then separate into two distinct elements, which i had arbitrarily united after the fashion of a novelist who blends together diverse elements borrowed from reality in order to create an imaginary character, elements which, taken separately — the name failing to corroborate the supposed intention of the glance — lost all their meaning. in that case my arguments would be stultified, but how greatly they found themselves, on the contrary, strengthened when the porter returned to tell me that mlle. d’éporcheville was indeed the fair girl
>from that moment i could no longer believe in a similarity of names. the coincidence was too remarkable that of these three girls one should be named mlle. d’éporcheville, that she should be precisely (and this was the first convincing proof of my supposition) the one who had gazed at me in that way, almost smiling at me, and that it should not be she who frequented the disorderly houses
then began a day of wild excitement. even before starting to buy all the bedizenments that i thought necessary in order to create a favourable impression when i went to call upon mme. de guermantes two days later, when (the porter had informed me) the young lady would be coming again to see the d-ch-ss, in whose house i should thus find a willing girl and make an appointment (or i should easily be able to take her into a corner for a moment), i began, so as to be on the safe side, by telegraphing to robert to ask him for the girl’s exact name and for a description of her, hoping to have his reply within forty-eight hours (i did not think for an instant of anything else, not even of albertine), determined, whatever might happen to me in the interval, even if i had to be carried down in a chair were i too ill to walk, to pay a long call upon the d-ch-ss. if i telegraphed to saint-loup it was not that i had any lingering doubt as to the ident-ty of the person, or that the girl whom i had seen and the girl of whom he had spoken were still distinct personalities in my mind. i had no doubt whatever that they were the same person. but in my impatience at the enforced interval of forty-eight hours, it was a pleasure, it gave me already a sort of secret power over her to receive a telegram concerning her, filled with detailed information. at the telegraph office, as i drafted my message with the animation of a man who is fired by hope, i remarked how much less disconcerted i was now than in my boyhood and in facing mlle. d’éporcheville than i had been in facing gilberte. from the moment in which i had merely taken the trouble to write out my telegram, the clerk had only to take it from me, the swiftest channels of electric communication to transmit it across the extent of france and the mediterranean, and all robert’s sensual past would be set to work to identify the person whom i had seen in the street, would be placed at the service of the romance which i had sketched in outline, and to which i need no longer give a thought, for his answer would undertake to bring about a happy ending before twenty-four hours had p-ssed. whereas in the old days, brought home by françoise from the champs-elysées, brooding alone in the house over my impotent desires, unable to employ the practical devices of civilisation, i loved like a savage, or indeed, for i was not even free to move about, like à flower. from this moment i was in a continual fever; a request from my father that i would go away with him for a couple of days, which would have obliged me to forego my visit to the d-ch-ss, filled me with such rage and desperation that my mother interposed and persuaded my father to allow me to remain in paris. but for many hours my anger was unable to subside, while my desire for mlle. d’éporcheville was increased a hundredfold by the obstacle that had been placed between us, by the fear which i had felt for a moment that those hours, at which i smiled in constant antic-p-tion, of my call upon mme. de guermantes, as at an -ssured blessing of which nothing could deprive me, might not occur. certain philosophers -ssert that the outer world does not exist, and that it is in ourselves that we develop our life. however that may be, love, even in its humblest beginnings, is a striking example of how little reality means to us. had i been obliged to draw from memory a portrait of mlle. d’éporcheville, to furnish a description, an indication of her, or even to recognise her in the street, i should have found it impossible. i had seen her in profile, on the move, she had struck me as being simple, pretty, tall and fair, i could not have said anything more. but all the reactions of desire, of anxiety of the mortal blow struck by the fear of not seeing her if my father took me away, all these things, -ssociated with an image which, after all, i did not remember and as to which it was enough that i knew it to be pleasant, already const-tuted a state of love. finally, on the following morning, after a night of happy sleeplessness i received saint-loup’s telegram: “de l’orgeville, de preposition, orge the grain, barley, ville town, small, dark, plump, is at present in switzerland.” it was not she!
a moment before françoise brought me the telegram, my mother had come into my room with my letters, had laid them carelessly on my bed, as though she were thinking of something else. and withdrawing at once to leave me by myself, she had smiled as she left the room. and i, who was familiar with my dear mother’s little subterfuges and knew that one could always read the truth in her face, without any fear of being mistaken, if one took as a key to the cipher her desire to give pleasure to other people, i smiled and thought: “there must be something interesting for me in the post, and mamma has -ssumed that indifferent air so that my surprise may be complete and so as not to be like the people who take away half your pleasure by telling you of it beforehand. and she has not stayed with me because she is afraid that in my pride i may conceal the pleasure that i shall feel and so feel it less keenly.” meanwhile, as she reached the door she met françoise who was coming into the room, the telegram in her hand. as soon as she had handed it to me, my mother had forced françoise to turn back, and had taken her out of the room, startled, offended and surprised. for françoise considered that her office conferred the privilege of entering my room at any hour of the day and of remaining there if she chose. but already, upon her features, astonishment and anger had vanished beneath the dark and sticky smile of a transcendent pity and a philosophical irony, a viscous liquid that was secreted, in order to heal her wound, by her outraged self-esteem. so that she might not feel herself despised, she despised us. also she considered that we were masters, that is to say capricious creatures, who do not shine by their intelligence and take pleasure in imposing by fear upon clever people, upon servants, so as to shew that they are the masters, absurd tasks such as that of boiling water when there is illness in the house, of mopping the floor of my room with a damp cloth, and of leaving it at the very moment when they intended to remain in it. mamma had left the post by my side, so that i might not overlook it. but i could see that there was nothing but newspapers. no doubt there was some article by a writer whom i admired, which, as he wrote seldom, would be a surprise to me. i went to the window, and drew back the curtains. above the pale and misty daylight, the sky was all red, as at the same hour are the newly lighted fires in kitchens, and the sight of it filled me with hope and with a longing to p-ss the night in a train and awake at the little country station where i had seen the milk-girl with the rosy cheeks
meanwhile i could hear françoise who, indignant at having been banished from my room, into which she considered that she had the right of entry, was grumbling: “if that isn’t a tragedy, a boy one saw brought into the world. i didn’t see him when his mother bore him, to be sure. but when i first knew him, to say the most, it wasn’t five years since he was birthed!”
i opened the figaro. what a bore! the very first article had the same t-tle as the article which i had sent to the paper and which had not appeared, but not merely the same t-tle . . . why, there were several words absolutely identical. this was really too bad. i must write and complain. but it was not merely a few words, there was the whole thing, there was my signature at the foot. it was my article that had appeared at last! but my brain which, even at this period, had begun to shew signs of age and to be easily tired, continued for a moment longer to reason as though it had not understood that this was my article, just as we see an old man obliged to complete a movement that he has begun even if it is no longer necessary, even if an unforeseen obstacle, in the face of which he ought at once to draw back, makes it dangerous. then i considered the spiritual bread of life that a newspaper is, still hot and damp from the press in the murky air of the morning in which it is distributed, at break of day, to the housemaids who bring it to their masters with their morning coffee, a miraculous, self-multiplying bread which is at the same time one and ten thousand, which remains the same for each person while penetrating innumerably into every house at once
what i am holding in my hand is not a particular copy of the newspaper, it is any one out of the ten thousand, it is not merely what has been written for me, it is what has been written for me and for everyone. to appreciate exactly the phenomenon which is occurring at this moment in the other houses, it is essential that i read this article not as its author but as one of the ordinary readers of the paper. for what i held in my hand was not merely what i had written, it was the symbol of its incarnation in countless minds. and so, in order to read it, it was essential that i should cease for a moment to be its author, that i should be simply one of the readers of the figaro. but then came an initial anxiety. would the reader who had not been forewarned catch sight of this article? i open the paper carelessly as would this not forewarned reader, even -ssuming an air of not knowing what there is this morning in my paper, of being in a hurry to look at the social paragraphs and the political news. but my article is so long that my eye which avoids it (to remain within the bounds of truth and not to put chance on my side, as a person who is waiting counts very slowly on purpose) catches a fragment of it in its survey. but many of those readers who notice the first article and even read it do not notice the signature; i myself would be quite incapable of saying who had written the first article of the day before. and i now promise myself that i will always read them, including the author’s name, but, like a jealous lover who refrains from betraying his mistress in order to believe in her fidelity, i reflect sadly that my own future attention will not compel the reciprocal attention of other people. and besides there are those who are going out shooting, those who have left the house in a hurry. and yet after all some of them will read it. i do as they do, i begin. i may know full well that many people who read this article will find it detestable, at the moment of reading it, the meaning that each word, conveys to me seems to me to be printed on the paper, i cannot believe that each other reader as he opens his eyes will not see directly the images that i see, believing the author’s idea to be directly perceived by the reader, whereas it is a different idea that takes shape in his mind, with the simplicity of people who believe that it is the actual word which they have uttered that proceeds along the wires of the telephone; at the very moment in which i mean to be a reader, my mind adjusts, as its author, the att-tude of those who will read my article. if m. de guermantes did not understand some sentences which would appeal to bloch, he might, on the other hand, be amused by some reflexion which bloch would scorn. thus for each part which the previous reader seemed to overlook, a fresh admirer presenting himself, the article as a whole was raised to the clouds by a swarm of readers and so prevailed over my own mistrust of myself which had no longer any need to -n-lyse it. the truth of the matter is that the value of an article, however remarkable it may be, is like that of those p-ssages in parliamentary reports in which the words: “wait and see!” uttered by the minister, derive all their importance only from their appearing in the setting: the president of the council, minister of the interior and of religious bodies: “wait and see!” (outcry on the extreme left. “hear, hear!” from the left and centre)— the main part of their beauty dwells in the minds of the readers. and it is the original sin of this style of literature, of which the famous lundis are not guiltless, that their merit resides in the impression that they make on their readers. it is a synthetic venus, of which we have but one truncated limb if we confine ourselves to the thought of the author, for it is realised in its completeness only in the minds of his readers. in them it finds its fulfilment. and as a crowd, even a select crowd, is not an artist, this final seal of approval which it sets upon the article must always retain a certain element of vulgarity. thus sainte-beuve, on a monday, could imagine mme. de soigne in her bed with its eight columns reading his article in the const-tutionnel, appreciating some charming phrase in which he had long delighted and which might never, perhaps, have flowed from his pen had he not thought it expedient to load his article with it in order to give it a longer range. doubtless the chancellor, reading it for himself, would refer to it during the call which we would pay upon his old friend a little later. and as he took her out that evening in his carriage, the duc de noailles in his grey pantaloons would tell her what had been thought of it in society, unless a word let fall by mme. d’herbouville had already informed her
i saw thus at that same hour, for so many people, my idea or even failing my idea, for those who were incapable of understanding it, the repet-tion of my name and as it were a glorified suggestion of my personality, shine upon them, in a daybreak which filled me with more strength and triumphant joy than the innumerable daybreak which at that moment was blushing at every window
i saw bloch, m. de guermantes, legrandin, extracting each in turn from every sentence the images that it enclosed; at the very moment in which i endeavour to be an ordinary reader, i read as an author, but not as an author only. in order that the impossible creature that i am endeavouring to be may combine all the contrary elements which may be most favourable to me, if i read as an author, i judge myself as a reader, without any of the scruples that may be felt about a written text by him who confronts in it the ideal which he has sought to express in it. those phrases in my article, when i wrote them, were so colourless in comparison with my thought, so complicated and opaque in comparison with my harmonious and transparent vision, so full of gaps which i had not managed to fill, that the reading of them was a torture to me, they had only accentuated in me the sense of my own impotence and of my incurable want of talent. but now, in forcing myself to be a reader, if i transferred to others the painful duty of criticising me, i succeeded at least in making a clean sweep of what i had attempted to do in first reading what i had written. i read the article forcing myself to imagine that it was written by some one else. then all my images, all my reflexions, all my epithets taken by themselves and without the memory of the check which they had given to my intentions, charmed me by their brilliance, their amplitude, their depth. and when i felt a weakness that was too marked taking refuge in the spirit of the ordinary and astonished reader, i said to myself: “bah! how can a reader notice that, there is something missing there, it is quite possible. but, be d-mned to them, if they are not satisfied! there are plenty of pretty p-ssages, more than they are accustomed to find.” and resting upon this ten-thousandfold approval which supported me, i derived as much sense of my own strength and hope in my own talent from the article which i was reading at that moment as i had derived distrust when what i had written addressed itself only to myself
no sooner had i finished this comforting perusal than i who had not had the courage to reread my m-n-script, longed to begin reading it again immediately, for there is nothing like an old article by oneself of which one can say more aptly that “when one has read it one can read it again.” i decided that i would send françoise out to buy fresh copies, in order to give them to my friends, i should tell her, in reality so as to touch with my finger the miracle of the multiplication of my thought and to read, as though i were another person who had just opened the figaro, in another copy the same sentences. it was, as it happened, ever so long since i had seen the guermantes, i must pay them, next day, the call which i had planned with such agitation in the hope of meeting mlle. d’éporcheville, when i telegraphed to saint-loup. i should find out from them what people thought of my article. i imagined some female reader into whose room i would have been so glad to penetrate and to whom the newspaper would convey if not my thought, which she would be incapable of understanding, at least my name, like a tribute to myself. but these tributes paid to one whom we do not love do not enchant our heart any more than the thoughts of a mind which we are unable to penetrate reach our mind. with regard to other friends, i told myself that if the state of my health continued to grow worse and if i could not see them again, it would be pleasant to continue to write to them so as still to have, in that way, access to them, to speak to them between the lines, to make them share my thoughts, to please them, to be received into their hearts. i told myself this because, social relations having previously had a place in my daily life, a future in which they would no longer figure alarmed me, and because this expedient which would enable me to keep the attention of my friends fixed upon myself, perhaps to arouse their admiration, until the day when i should be well enough to begin to see them again, consoled me. i told myself this, but i was well aware that it was not true, that if i chose to imagine their attention as the object of my pleasure, that pleasure was an internal, spiritual, ultimate pleasure which they themselves could not give me, and which i might find not in conversing with them, but in writing remote from them, and that if i began to write in the hope of seeing them indirectly, so that they might have a better idea of myself, so as to prepare for myself a better position in society, perhaps the act of writing would destroy in me any wish to see them, and that the position which literature would perhaps give me in society. i should no longer feel any wish to enjoy, for my pleasure would be no longer in society, but in literature
after luncheon when i went down to mme. de guermantes, it was less for the sake of mlle. d’éporcheville who had been stripped, by saint-loup’s telegram, of the better part of her personality, than in the hope of finding in the d-ch-ss herself one of those readers of my article who would enable me to form an idea of the impression that it had made upon the public — subscribers and purchasers — of the figaro. it was not however without pleasure that i went to see mme. de guermantes. it was all very well my telling myself that what made her house different to me from all the rest was the fact that it had for so long haunted my imagination, by knowing the reason for this difference i did not abolish it. moreover, the name guermantes existed for me in many forms. if the form which my memory had merely noted, as in an address-book, was not accompanied by any poetry, older forms, those which dated from the time when i did not know mme. de guermantes, were liable to renew themselves in me, especially when i had not seen her for some time and when the glaring light of the person with human features did not quench the mysterious radiance of the name. then once again i began to think of the home of mme. de guermantes as of something that was beyond the bounds of reality, in the same way as i began to think again of the misty balbec of my early dreams, and as though i had not since then made that journey, of the one twenty-two train as though i had never taken it. i forgot for an instant my own knowledge that such things did not exist, as we think at times of a beloved friend forgetting for an instant that he is dead. then the idea of reality returned as i set foot in the d-ch-ss’s hall. but i consoled myself with the reflexion that in spite of everything it was for me the actual point of contact between reality and dreams
when i entered the drawing-room, i saw the fair girl whom i had supposed for twenty-four hours to be the girl of whom saint-loup had spoken to me. it was she who asked the d-ch-ss to ‘reintroduce’ me to her. and indeed, the moment i came into the room i had the impression that i knew her quite well, which the d-ch-ss however dispelled by saying: “oh! you have met mlle. de forcheville before.” i myself, on the contrary, was certain that i had never been introduced to any girl of that name, which would certainly have impressed me, so familiar was it in my memory ever since i had been given a retrospective account of odette’s love affairs and swann’s jealousy. in itself my twofold error as to the name, in having remembered ‘de l’orgeville’ as’d’éporcheville’ and in having reconstructed as ‘d’éporcheville’ what was in reality ‘forcheville,’ was in no way extraordinary. our mistake lies in our supposing that things present themselves ordinarily as they are in reality, names as they are written, people as photography and psychology give an unalterable idea of them. as a matter of fact this is not at all what we ordinarily perceive. we see, we hear, we conceive the world quite topsy-turvy. we repeat a name as we have heard it spoken until experience has corrected our mistake, which does not always happen. everyone at combray had spoken to françoise for five-and-twenty years of mme. sazerat and françoise continued to say ‘mme. sazerin,’ not from that deliberate and proud perseverance in her mistakes which was habitual with her, was strengthened by our contradiction and was all that she had added of herself to the france of saint-andré-des-champs (of the equalitarian principles of 1789 she claimed only one civic right, that of not pr-nouncing words as we did and of maintaining that ‘hôtel,’ ‘été’ and ‘air’ were of the feminine gender), but because she really did continue to hear ‘sazerin.’ †
† see swann’s way, i. 53, where, however, this, error is attributed to eulalie. c. k. s. m
this perpetual error which is precisely ‘life,’ does not bestow its thousand forms merely upon the visible and the audible universe but upon the social universe, the sentimental universe, the historical universe, and so forth. the princesse de luxembourg is no better than a prost-tute in the eyes of the chief magistrate’s wife, which as it happens is of little importance; what is slightly more important, odette is a difficult woman to swann, whereupon he builds up a whole romance which becomes all the more painful when he discovers his error; what is more important still, the french are thinking only of revenge in the eyes of the germans. we have of the universe only formless, fragmentary visions, which we complete by the -ssociation of arbitrary ideas, creative of dangerous suggestions. i should therefore have had no reason to be surprised when i heard the name forcheville (and i was already asking myself whether she was related to the forcheville of whom i had so often heard) had not the fair girl said to me at once, anxious no doubt to forestall tactfully questions which would have been unpleasant to her: “you don’t remember that you knew me quite well long ago . . . you used to come to our house . . . your friend gilberte. i could see that you didn’t recognise me. i recognised you immediately.” (she said this as if she had recognised me immediately in the drawing-room, but the truth is that she had recognised me in the street and had greeted me, and later mme. de guermantes informed me that she had told her, as something very odd and extraordinary, that i had followed her and brushed against her, mistaking her for a prost-tute.) i did not learn until she had left the room why she was called mlle. de forcheville. after swann’s death, odette, who astonished everyone by her profound, prolonged and sincere grief, found herself an extremely rich widow. forcheville married her, after making a long tour of various country houses and ascertaining that his family would acknowledge his wife. (the family raised certain objections, but yielded to the material advantage of not having to provide for the expenses of a needy relative who was about to p-ss from comparative penury to opulence.) shortly after this, one of swann’s uncles, upon whose head the successive demise of many relatives had acc-mulated an enormous fortune, died, leaving the whole of his fortune to gilberte who thus became one of the wealthiest heiresses in france. but this was the moment when from the effects of the dreyfus case there had arisen an anti-semitic movement parallel to a more abundant movement towards the penetration of society by israelites. the politicians had not been wrong in thinking that the discovery of the judicial error would deal a fatal blow to anti-semitism. but provisionally at least a social anti-semitism was on the contrary enhanced and exacerbated by it. forcheville who, like every petty n0bleman, had derived from conversations in the family circle the certainty that his name was more ancient than that of la rochefoucauld, considered that, in marrying the widow of a jew, he had performed the same act of charity as a millionaire who picks up a prost-tute in the street and rescues her from poverty and mire; he was prepared to extend his bounty to gilberte, whose prospects of marriage were -ssisted by all her millions but were hindered by that absurd name ‘swann.’ he declared that he would adopt her. we know that mme. de guermantes, to the astonishment — which however she liked and was accustomed to provoke — of her friends, had, after swann’s marriage, refused to meet his daughter as well as his wife. this refusal had been apparently all the more cruel inasmuch as what had long made marriage with odette seem possible to swann was the prospect of introducing his daughter to mme. de guermantes. and doubtless he ought to have known, he who had already had so long an experience of life, that these pictures which we form in our mind are never realised for a diversity of reasons. among these there is one which meant that he seldom regretted his inability to effect that introduction. this reason is that, whatever the image may be, from the trout to be eaten at sunset which makes a sedentary man decide to take the train, to the desire to be able to astonish, one evening, the proud lady at a cash-desk by stopping outside her door in a magnificent carriage which makes an unscrupulous man decide to commit murder, or to long for the death of rich relatives, according to whether he is bold or lazy, whether he goes ahead in the sequence of his ideas or remains fondling the first link in the chain, the act which is destined to enable us to attain to the image, whether that act be travel, marriage, crime . . . that act modifies us so profoundly that we cease to attach any importance to the reason which made us perform it. it may even happen that there never once recurs to his mind the image which the man formed who was not then a traveller, or a husband, or a criminal, or a recluse (who has bound himself to work with the idea of fame and has at the same moment rid himself of all desire for fame). besides even if we include an obstinate refusal to seem to have desired to act in vain, it is probable that the effect of the sunlight would not be repeated, that feeling cold at the moment we would long for a bowl of soup by the chimney-corner and not for a trout in the open air, that our carriage would leave the cashier unmoved who perhaps for wholly different reasons had a great regard for us and in whom this sudden opulence would arouse suspicion. in short we have seen swann, when married, attach most importance to the relations of his wife and daughter with mme. bontemps
to all the reasons, derived from the guermantes way of regarding social life, which had made the d-ch-ss decide never to allow mme. and mlle. swann to be introduced to her, we may add also that blissful -ssurance with which people who are not in love hold themselves aloof from what they condemn in lovers and what is explained by their love. “oh! i don’t mix myself up in that, if it amuses poor swann to do stupid things and ruin his life, it is his affair, but one never knows with that sort of thing, it may end in great trouble, i leave them to clear it up for themselves.” it is the suave mari magno which swann himself recommended to me with regard to the verdurins, when he had long ceased to be in love with odette and no longer formed part of the little clan. it is everything that makes so wise the judgments of third persons with regard to the p-ssions which they do not feel and the complications of behaviour which those p-ssions involve
mme. de guermantes had indeed applied to the ostracism of mme. and mlle. swann a perseverance that caused general surprise. when mme. mole, mme. de marsantes had begun to make friends with mme. swann and to bring a quant-ty of society ladies to see her, mme. de guermantes had remained intractable but had made arrangements to blow up the bridges and to see that her cousin the princesse de guermantes followed her example. on one of the gravest days of the crisis when, during rouvier’s ministry, it was thought that there was going to be war with germany, upon going to dine with m. de bréauté at mme. de guermantes’s, i found the d-ch-ss looking worried. i supposed that, since she was always dabbling in politics, she intended to shew that she was afraid of war, as one day when she had appeared at the dinner-table so pensive, barely replying in monosyllables, upon somebody’s inquiring timidly what was the cause of her anxiety, she had answered with a grave air: “i am anxious about china.” but a moment later mme. de guermantes, herself volunteering an explanation of that anxious air which i had put down to fear of a declaration of war, said to m. de bréauté: “i am told that marie-aynard means to establish the swanns. i simply must go and see marie-gilbert to-morrow and make her help me to prevent it. otherwise, there will be no society left. the dreyfus case is all very well. but then the grocer’s wife round the corner has only to call herself a nationalist and expect us to invite her to our houses in return.” and i felt at this speech, so frivolous in comparison with the speech that i expected to hear, the astonishment of the reader who, turning to the usual column of the figarofor the latest news of the russo-j-panese war, finds instead the list of people who have given wedding-presents to mlle. de mortemart, the importance of an aristocratic marriage having displaced to the end of the paper battles upon land and sea. the d-ch-ss had come in time moreover to derive from this perseverance, pursued beyond all normal limits, a satisfaction to her pride which she lost no opportunity of expressing. “babal,” she said, “maintains that we are the two smartest people in paris, because he and i are the only two people who do not allow mme. and mlle. swann to bow to us. for he -ssures me that smartness consists in not knowing mme. swann.” and the d-ch-ss ended in a peal of laughter
however, when swann was dead, it came to p-ss that her determination not to know his daughter had ceased to furnish mme. de guermantes with all the satisfaction of pride, independence, self-government, persecution which she was capable of deriving from it, which had come to an end with the p-ssing of the man who had given her the exquisite sensation that she was resisting him, that he was unable to make her revoke her decrees
then the d-ch-ss had proceeded to the promulgation of other decrees which, being applied to people who were still alive, could make her feel that she was free to act as she might choose. she did not speak to the swann girl, but, when anyone mentioned the girl to her, the d-ch-ss felt a curiosity, as about some place that she had never visited, which could no longer be suppressed by her desire to stand out against swann’s pretensions. besides, so many different sentiments may contribute to the formation of a single sentiment that it would be impossible to say whether there was not a lingering trace of affection for swann in this interest. no doubt — for in every grade of society a worldly and frivolous life paralyses our sensibility and robs us of the power to resuscitate the dead — the d-ch-ss was one of those people who require a personal presence — that presence which, like a true guermantes, she excelled in protracting — in order to love truly, but also, and this is less common, in order to hate a little. so that often her friendly feeling for people, suspended during their lifetime by the irritation that some action or other on their part caused her, revived after their death. she then felt almost a longing to make reparation, because she pictured them now — though very vaguely — with only their good qualities, and stripped of the petty satisfactions, of the petty pretensions which had irritated her in them when they were alive. this imparted at times, notwithstanding the frivolity of mme. de guermantes, something that was distinctly n0ble — blended with much that was base — to her conduct. whereas three-fourths of the human race flatter the living and pay no attention to the dead, she would often do, after their death, what the people would have longed for her to do whom she had maltreated while they were alive
as for gilberte, all the people who were fond of her and had a certain respect for her dignity, could not rejoice at the change in the d-ch-ss’s att-tude towards her except by thinking that gilberte, scornfully rejecting advances that came after twenty-five years of insults, would be avenging these at length. unfortunately, moral reflexes are not always identical with what common sense imagines. a man who, by an untimely insult, thinks that he has forfeited for all time all hope of winning the friendship of a person to whom he is attached finds that on the contrary he has established his position. gilberte, who remained quite indifferent to the people who were kind to her, never ceased to think with admiration of the insolent mme. de guermantes, to ask herself the reasons for such insolence; once indeed (and this would have made all the people who shewed some affection for her die with shame on her account) she had decided to write to the d-ch-ss to ask her what she had against a girl who had never done her any injury. the guermantes had -ssumed in her eyes proportions which their birth would have been powerless to give them. she placed them not only above all the n0bility, but even above all the royal houses
certain women who were old friends of swann took a great interest in gilberte. when the aristocracy learned of her latest inheritance, they began to remark how well bred she was and what a charming wife she would make. people said that a cousin of mme. de guermantes, the princesse de nièvre, was thinking of gilberte for her son. mme. de guermantes hated mme. de nièvre. she announced that such a marriage would be a scandal. mme. de nièvre took fright and swore that she had never thought of it. one day, after luncheon, as the sun was shining, and m. de guermantes was going to take his wife out, mme. de guermantes was arranging her hat in front of the mirror, her blue eyes gazing into their own reflexion, and at her still golden hair, her maid holding in her hand various sunshades among which her mistress might choose. the sun came flooding in through the window and they had decided to take advantage of the fine weather to pay a call at saint-cloud, and m. de guermantes, ready to set off, wearing pearl-grey gloves and a tall hat on his head said to himself: “oriane is really astounding still. i find her delicious,” and went on, aloud, seeing that his wife seemed to be in a good humour: “by the way, i have a message for you from mme. de virelef. she wanted to ask you to come on monday to the opera, but as she’s having the swann girl, she did not dare and asked me to explore the ground. i don’t express any opinion, i simply convey the message. but really, it seems to me that we might . . . ” he added evasively, for their att-tude towards anyone else being a collective att-tude and taking an identical form in each of them, he knew from his own feelings that his wife’s hostility to mlle. swann had subsided and that she was anxious to meet her. mme. de guermantes settled her veil to her liking and chose a sunshade. “but just as you like, what difference do you suppose it can make to me, i see no reason against our meeting the girl. i simply did not wish that we should appear to be countenancing the dubious establishments of our friends. that is all.” “and you were perfectly right,” replied the duke. “you are wisdom incarnate, madame, and you are more ravishing than ever in that hat.” “you are very kind,” said mme. de guermantes with a smile at her husband as she made her way to the door. but, before entering the carriage, she felt it her duty to give him a further explanation: “there are plenty of people now who call upon the mother, besides she has the sense to be ill for nine months of the year. . . . it seems that the child is quite charming. everybody knows that we were greatly attached to swann. people will think it quite natural,” and they set off together for saint-cloud
a month later, the swann girl, who had not yet taken the name of forcheville, came to luncheon with the guermantes. every conceivable subject was discussed; at the end of the meal, gilberte said timidly: “i believe you knew my father quite well.” “why of course we did,” said mme. de guermantes in a melancholy tone which proved that she understood the daughter’s grief and with a deliberate excess of intensity which gave her the air of concealing the fact that she was not sure whether she did remember the father. “we knew him quite well, i remember him quite well.” (as indeed she might, seeing that he had come to see her almost every day for twenty-five years.) “i know quite well who he was, let me tell you,” she went on, as though she were seeking to explain to the daughter whom she had had for a father and to give the girl information about him, “he was a great friend of my mother-in-law and besides he was very intimate with my brother-in-law palamède.” “he used to come here too, indeed he used to come to luncheon here,” added m. de guermantes with an ostentatious modesty and a scrupulous exact-tude. “you remember, oriane. what a fine man your father was. one felt that he must come of a respectable family; for that matter i saw once, long ago, his own father and mother. they and he, what worthy people!”
one felt that if they had, parents and son, been still alive, the duc de guermantes would not have had a moment’s hesitation in recommending them for a post as gardeners! and this is how the faubourg saint-germain speaks to any bourgeois of the other bourgeois, whether in order to flatter him with the exception made — during the course of the conversation — in favour of the listener, or rather and at the same time in order to humiliate him. thus it is that an anti-semite in addressing a jew, at the very moment when he is smothering him in affability, speaks evil of jews, in a general fashion which enables him to be wounding without being rude
but while she could shower compliments upon a person, when she met him, and could then never bring herself to let him take his leave, mme. de guermantes was also a slave to this need of personal contact. swann might have managed, now and then, in the excitement of conversation, to give the d-ch-ss the illusion that she regarded him with a friendly feeling, he could do so no longer. “he was charming,” said the d-ch-ss with a wistful smile and fastening upon gilberte a kindly gaze which would at least, supposing the girl to have delicate feelings, shew her that she was understood, and that mme. de guermantes, had the two been alone together and had circ-mstances allowed it, would have loved to reveal to her all the depth of her own feelings. but m. de guermantes, whether because he was indeed of the opinion that the circ-mstances forbade such effusions, or because he considered that any exaggeration of sentiment was a matter for women and that men had no more part in it than in the other feminine departments, save the kitchen and the wine-cellar which he had reserved to himself, knowing more about them than the d-ch-ss, felt it inc-mbent upon him not to encourage, by taking part in it, this conversation to which he listened with a visible impatience
moreover mme. de guermantes, when this outburst of sentiment had subsided, added with a worldly frivolity, addressing gilberte: “why, he was not only a great friend of my brother-in-law charlus, he was also a great favourite at voisenon” (the country house of the prince de guermantes), as though swann’s acquaintance with m. de charlus and the prince had been a mere accident, as though the d-ch-ss’s brother-in-law and cousin were two men with whom swann had happened to be intimate for some special reason, whereas swann had been intimate with all the people in that set, and as though mme. de guermantes were seeking to make gilberte understand who, more or less, her father had been, to ‘place’ him by one of those character sketches by which, when we seek to explain how it is that we happen to know somebody whom we would not naturally know, or to give an additional point to our story, we name the sponsors by whom a certain person was introduced
as for gilberte, she was all the more glad to find that the subject was dropped, in that she herself was anxious only to change it, having inherited from swann his exquisite tact combined with an intellectual charm that was appreciated by the duke and d-ch-ss who begged her to come again soon. moreover, with the minute observation of people whose lives have no purpose, they would discern, one after another, in the people with whom they -ssociated, the most obvious merits, exclaiming their wonder at them with the artless astonishment of a townsman who on going into the country discovers a blade of gr-ss, or on the contrary magnifying them as with a microscope, making endless comments, taking offence at the slightest faults, and often applying both processes alternately to the same person. in gilberte’s case it was first of all upon these minor attractions that the idle perspicacity of m. and mme. de guermantes was brought to bear: “did you notice the way in which she pr-nounced some of her words?” the d-ch-ss said to her husband after the girl had left them; “it was just like swann, i seemed to hear him speaking.” “i was just about to say the very same, oriane.” “she is witty, she is just like her father.” “i consider that she is even far superior to him. think how well she told that story about the sea-bathing, she has a vivacity that swann never had.” “oh! but he was, after all, quite witty.” “i am not saying that he was not witty, i say that he lacked vivacity,” said m. de guermantes in a complaining tone, for his gout made him irritable, and when he had no one else upon whom to vent his irritation, it was to the d-ch-ss that he displayed it. but being incapable of any clear understanding of its causes, he preferred to adopt an air of being misunderstood
this friendly att-tude on the part of the duke and d-ch-ss meant that, for the future, they might at the most let fall an occasional ‘your poor father’ to gilberte, which, for that matter, was quite unnecessary, since it was just about this time that forcheville adopted the girl. she addressed him as ‘father,’ charmed all the dowagers by her politeness and air of breeding, and it was admitted that, if forcheville had behaved with the utmost generosity towards her, the girl had a good heart and knew how to reward him for his pains. doubtless because she was able, now and then, and desired to shew herself quite at her ease, she had reintroduced herself to me and in conversation with me had spoken of her true father. but this was an exception and no one now dared utter the name swann in her presence
i had just caught sight, in the drawing-room, of two sketches by elstir which formerly had been banished to a little room upstairs in which it was only by chance that i had seen them. elstir was now in fashion, mme. de guermantes could not forgive herself for having given so many of his pictures to her cousin, not because they were in fashion, but because she now appreciated them. fashion is, indeed, composed of the appreciations of a number of people of whom the guermantes are typical. but she could not dream of buying others of his pictures, for they had long ago begun to fetch absurdly high prices. she was determined to have something, at least, by elstir in her drawing-room and had brought down these two drawings which, she declared, she “preferred to his paintings.”
gilberte recognised the drawings. “one would say elstir,” she suggested. “why, yes,” replied the d-ch-ss without thinking, “it was, as a matter of fact, your fa . . . some friends of ours who made us buy them. they are admirable. to my mind, they are superior to his paintings.” i who had not heard this conversation went closer to the drawings to examine them. “why, this is the elstir that . . . ” i saw mme. de guermantes’s signals of despair. “ah, yes! the elstir that i admired upstairs. it shews far better here than in that p-ssage. talking of elstir, i mentioned him yesterday in an article in the figaro. did you happen to read it?” “you have written an article in the figaro?” exclaimed m. de guermantes with the same violence as if he had exclaimed: “why, she is my cousin.” “yes, yesterday.” “in the figaro, you are certain? that is a great surprise. for we each of us get our figaro, and if one of us had missed it, the other would certainly have noticed it. that is so, ain’t it, oriane, there was nothing in the paper.” the duke sent for the figaro and accepted the facts, as though, previously, the probability had been that i had made a mistake as to the newspaper for which i had written. “what’s that, i don’t understand, do you mean to say, you have written an article in thefigaro,” said the d-ch-ss, making an effort in order to speak of a matter which did not interest her. “come, basin, you can read it afterwards.” “no, the duke looks so nice like that with his big beard sweeping over the paper,” said gilberte. “i shall read it as soon as i am at home.” “yes, he wears a beard now that everybody is clean-shaven,” said the d-ch-ss, “he never does anything like other people. when we were first married, he shaved not only his beard but his moustaches as well. the peasants who didn’t know him by sight thought that he couldn’t be french. he was called at that time the prince des laumes.” “is there still a prince des laumes?” asked gilberte, who was interested in everything that concerned the people who had refused to bow to her during all those years. “why, no!” the d-ch-ss replied with a melancholy, caressing gaze. “such a charming t-tle! one of the finest t-tles in france!” said gilberte, a certain sort of b-n-lity emerging inevitably, as a clock strikes the hour, from the lips of certain quite intelligent persons. “yes, indeed, i regret it too. basin would have liked his sister’s — son to take it, but it is not the same thing; after all it is possible, since it is not necessarily the eldest son, the t-tle may p-ss to a younger brother. i was telling you that in those days basin was clean-shaven; one day, at a pilgrimage — you remember, my dear,” she turned to her husband, “that pilgrimage at paray-le-monial — my brother-in-law charlus who always enjoys talking to peasants, was saying to one after another: ‘where do you come from?’ and as he is extremely generous, he would give them something, take them off to have a drink. for n0body was ever at the same time simpler and more haughty than même. you’ll see him refuse to bow to a d-ch-ss whom he doesn’t think d-ch-ssy enough, and shower compliments upon a kennel-man. and so, i said to basin: ‘come, basin, say something to them too.’ my husband, who is not always very inventive —” “thank you, oriane,” said the duke, without interrupting his reading of my article in which he was immersed —“approached one of the peasants and repeated his brother’s question in so many words: ‘where do you come from?’ ‘i am from les laumes.’ ‘you are from les laumes. why, i am your prince.’ then the peasant looked at basin’s smooth face and replied: ‘’s not true. you’re an english.’” † one saw thus in these anecdotes told by the d-ch-ss those great and eminent t-tles, such as that of the prince des laumes, rise to their true position, in their original state and their local colour, as in certain books of hours one sees, amid the mob of the period, the soaring steeple of bourges
† translator’s footnote: mme. de guermantes forgets that she has already told this story at the expense of the prince de léon. see the captive, p. 403
some cards were brought to her which a footman had just left at the door. “i can’t think what has come over her, i don’t know her. it is to you that i am indebted for this, basin. not that they have done you any good, all these people, my poor dear,” and, turning to gilberte: “i really don’t know how to explain to you who she is, you certainly have never heard of her, she calls herself lady rufus israel.”
gilberte flushed crimson: “i do not know her,” she said (which was all the more untrue in that lady israel and swann had been reconciled two years before the latter’s death and she addressed gilberte by her christian name), “but i know quite well, from hearing about her, who it is that you mean.” the truth is that gilberte had become a great sn0b. for instance, another girl having one day, whether in malice or from a natural want of tact, asked her what was the name of her real — not her adoptive — father, in her confusion, and as though to mitigate the crudity of what she had to say, instead of pr-nouncing the name as ‘souann’ she said ‘svann,’ a change, as she soon realised, for the worse, since it made this name of english origin a german patronymic. and she had even gone on to say, abasing herself so as to rise higher: “all sorts of stories have been told about my birth, but of course i know nothing about that.”
ashamed as gilberte must have felt at certain moments when she thought of her parents (for even mme. swann represented to her and was a good mother) of such an att-tude towards life, we must, alas, bear in mind that its elements were borrowed doubtless from her parents, for we do not create the whole of our own personality. but with a certain quant-ty of egoism which exists in the mother, a different egoism, inherent in the father’s family, is combined, which does not invariably mean that it is added, nor even precisely that it serves as a multiple, but rather that it creates a fresh egoism infinitely stronger and more redoubtable. and, in the period that has elapsed since the world began, during which families in which some defect exists in one form have been intermarrying with families in which the same defect exists in another, thereby creating a peculiarly complex and detestable variety of that defect in the offspring, the acc-mulated egoisms (to confine ourselves, for the moment, to this defect) would have acquired such force that the whole human race would have been destroyed, did not the malady itself bring forth, with the power to reduce it to its true dimensions, natural restrictions -n-logous to those which prevent the infinite proliferation of the infusoria from destroying our planet, the unis-xual fertilisation of plants from bringing about the extinction of the vegetable kingdom, and so forth. from time to time a virtue combines with this egoism to produce a new and disinterested force
the combinations by which, in the course of generations, moral chemistry thus stabilises and renders inoffensive the elements that were becoming too formidable, are infinite and would give an exciting variety to family history. moreover with these acc-mulated egoisms such as must have been embodied in gilberte there coexists some charming virtue of the parents; it appears for a moment to perform an interlude by itself, to play its touching part with an entire sincerity
no doubt gilberte did not always go so far as when she insinuated that she was perhaps the natural daughter of some great personage, but as a rule she concealed her origin. perhaps it was simply too painful for her to confess it and she preferred that people should learn of it from others. perhaps she really believed that she was hiding it, with that uncertain belief which at the same time is not doubt, which reserves a possibility for what we would like to think true, of which musset furnishes an example when he speaks of hope in god. “i do not know her personally,” gilberte went on. had she after all, when she called herself mlle. de forcheville, a hope that people would not know that she was swann’s daughter? some people, perhaps, who, she hoped, would in time become everybody. she could not be under any illusion as to their number at the moment, and knew doubtless that many people must be murmuring: “isn’t that swann’s daughter?” but she knew it only with that information which tells us of people taking their lives in desperation while we are going to a ball, that is to say a remote and vague information for which we are at no pains to subst-tute a more precise knowledge, founded upon a direct impression. gilberte belonged, during these years at least, to the most widespread variety of the human ostrich, the kind which buries its head in the hope not of not being seen, which it considers hardly probable, but of not seeing that other people see it, which seems to it something to the good and enables it to leave the rest to chance. as distance makes things smaller, more uncertain, less dangerous, gilberte preferred not to be near other people at the moment when they made the discovery that she was by birth a swann
and as we are near the people whom we picture to ourselves, as we can picture people reading their newspaper, gilberte preferred the papers to style her mlle. de forcheville. it is true that with the writings for which she herself was responsible, her letters, she prolonged the transition for some time by signing herself ‘g. s. forcheville.’ the real hypocrisy in this signature was made manifest by the suppression not so much of the other letters of the word ‘swann’ as of those of the word ‘gilberte.’ in fact, by reducing the innocent christian name to a simple ‘g,’ mlle. de forcheville seemed to insinuate to her friends that the similar amputation applied to the name ‘swann’ was due merely to the necessity of abbreviation. indeed she gave a special importance to the ‘s,’ and gave it a sort of long tail which ran across the ‘g,’ but which one felt to be transitory and destined to disappear like the tail which, still long in the monkey, has ceased to exist in man
notwithstanding this, in her sn0bbishness, there remained the intelligent curiosity of swann. i remember that, during this same afternoon, she asked mme. de guermantes whether she could meet m. du lau, and that when the d-ch-ss replied that he was an invalid and never went out, gilberte asked what sort of man he was, for, she added with a faint blush, she had heard a great deal about him. (the marquis du lau had indeed been one of swann’s most intimate friends before the latter’s marriage, and gilberte may perhaps herself have seen him, but at a time when she was not interested in such people.) “would m. de bréauté or the prince d’agrigente be at all like him?” she asked. “oh! not in the least,” exclaimed mme. de guermantes, who had a keen sense of these provincial differences and drew portraits that were sober, but coloured by her harsh, golden voice, beneath the gentle blossoming of her violet eyes. “no, not in the least. du lau was the gentleman from the périgord, charming, with all the good manners and the absence of ceremony of his province. at guermantes, when we had the king of england, with whom du lau was on the friendliest terms, we used to have a little meal after the men came in from shooting . . . it was the hour when du lau was in the habit of going to his room to take off his boots and put on big woollen slippers. very well, the presence of king edward and all the grand dukes did not disturb him in the least, he came down to the great hall at guermantes in his woollen slippers, he felt that he was the marquis du lau d’ollemans who had no reason to put himself out for the king of england. he and that charming quasimodo de breteuil, they were the two that i liked best. they were, for that matter, great friends of . . . ” (she was about to say “your father” and stopped short). “no, there is no resemblance at all, either to gri-gri, or to bréauté. he was the genuine n0bleman from the périgord. for that matter, même quotes a page from saint-simon about a marquis d’ollemans, it is just like him.” i repeated the opening words of the portrait: “m. d’ollemans who was a man of great distinction among the n0bility of the périgord, from his own birth and from his merit, and was regarded by every soul alive there as a general arbiter to whom each had recourse because of his probity, his capacity and the suavity of his manners, as it were the c-ck of his province.” “yes, he’s like that,” said mme. de guermantes, “all the more so as du lau was always as red as a c-ck.” “yes, i remember hearing that description quoted,” said gilberte, without adding that it had been quoted by her father, who was, as we know, a great admirer of saint-simon
she liked also to speak of the prince d’agrigente and of m. de bréauté, for another reason. the prince d’agrigente was prince by inheritance from the house of aragon, but his lordship was poitevin. as for his country house, the house that is to say in which he lived, it was not the property of his own family, but had come to him from his mother’s former husband, and was situated almost halfway between martinville and guermantes. and so gilberte spoke of him and of m. de bréauté as of neighbours in the country who reminded her of her old home. strictly speaking there was an element of falsehood in this att-tude, since it was only in paris, through the comtesse molé, that she had come to know m. de bréauté, albeit he had been an old friend of her father. as for her pleasure in speaking of the country round tansonville, it may have been sincere. sn0bbishness is, with certain people, -n-logous to those pleasant beverages with which they mix nutritious substances. gilberte took an interest in some lady of fashion because she possessed priceless books and portraits by nattier which my former friend would probably not have taken the trouble to inspect in the national library or at the louvre, and i imagine that notwithstanding the even greater proximity, the magnetic influence of tansonville would have had less effect in drawing gilberte towards mme. sazerat or mme. goupil than towards m. d’agrigente
“oh! poor babal and poor gri-gri,” said mme. de guermantes, “they are in a far worse state than du lau, i’m afraid they haven’t long to live, either of them.”
when m. de guermantes had finished reading my article, he paid me compliments which however he took care to qualify. he regretted the slightly hackneyed form of a style in which there were ‘emphasis, metaphors as in the antiquated prose of chateaubriand’; on the other hand he congratulated me without reserve upon my ‘occupying myself: “i like a man to do something with his ten fingers. i do not like the useless creatures who are always self-important or agitators. a fatuous breed!”
gilberte, who was acquiring with extreme rapidity the ways of the world of fashion, announced how proud she would be to say that she was the friend of an author. “you can imagine that i shall tell people that i have the pleasure, the honour of your acquaintance.”
“you wouldn’t care to come with us, to-morrow, to the opéra-comique?” the d-ch-ss asked me; and i thought that it would be doubtless in that same box in which i had first beheld her, and which had seemed to me then as inaccessible as the submarine realm of the nereids. but i replied in a melancholy tone: “no, i am not going to the theatre just now; i have lost a friend to whom i was greatly attached.” the tears almost came to my eyes as i said this, and yet, for the first time, i felt a sort of pleasure in speaking of my bereavement. it was from this moment that i began to write to all my friends that i had just experienced great sorrow, and to cease to feel it
when gilberte had gone, mme. de guermantes said to me: “you did not understand my signals, i was trying to hint to you not to mention swann.” and, as i apologised: “but i quite understand. i was on the point of mentioning him myself, i stopped short just in time, it was terrible, fortunately i bridled my tongue. you know, it is a great bore,” she said to her husband, seeking to mitigate my own error by appearing to believe that i had yielded to a propensity common to everyone, and difficult to resist. “what do you expect me to do,” replied the duke. “you have only to tell them to take those drawings upstairs again, since they make you think about swann. if you don’t think about swann, you won’t speak about him.”
on the following day i received two congratulatory letters which surprised me greatly, one from mme. goupil whom i had not seen for many years and to whom, even at combray, i had not spoken more than twice. a public library had given her the chance of seeing the figaro. thus, when anything occurs in our life which makes some stir, messages come to us from people situated so far outside the zone of our acquaintance, our memory of whom is already so remote that these people seem to be placed at a great distance, especially in the dimension of depth. a forgotten friendship of our school days, which has had a score of opportunities of recalling itself to our mind, gives us a sign of life, not that there are not negative results also. for example, bloch, from whom i would have been so glad to learn what he thought of my article, did not write to me. it is true that he had read the article and was to admit it later, but by a counterstroke. in fact, he himself contributed, some years later, an article to the figaro and was anxious to inform me immediately of the event. as he ceased to be jealous of what he regarded as a privilege, as soon as it had fallen to him as well, the envy that had made him pretend to ignore my article ceased, as though by the raising of a lever; he mentioned it to me but not at all in the way in which he hoped to hear me mention his article: “i know that you too,” he told me, “have written an article. but i did not think that i ought to mention it to you, for fear of hurting your feelings, for we ought not to speak to our friends of the humiliations that occur to them. and it is obviously a humiliation to supply the organ of sabres and aspergills with ‘five-o’clocks,’ not forgetting the holy-water-stoup.” his character remained unaltered, but his style had become less precious, as happens to certain people who shed their mannerisms, when, ceasing to compose symbolist poetry, they take to writing newspaper serials
to console myself for his silence, i read mme. goupil’s letter again; but it was lacking in warmth, for if the aristocracy employ certain formulas which slip into watertight compartments, between the initial ‘monsieur‘ and the ‘sentiments distingués‘ of the close, cries of joy, of admiration may spring up like flowers, and their cl-sters waft over the barriers their entrancing fragrance. but middle-cl-ss conventionality enwraps even the content of letters in a net of ‘your well-deserved success,’ at best ‘your great success.’ sisters-in-law, faithful to their upbringing and tight-laced in their respectable stays, think that they have overflowed into the most distressing enthusiasm if they have written: ‘my kindest regards.’ ‘mother joins me’ is a superlative of which they are seldom wearied
i received another letter as well as mme. goupil’s, but the name of the writer was unknown to me. it was an illiterate hand, a charming style. i was desolate at my inability to discover who had written to me
while i was asking myself whether bergotte would have liked this article, mme. de forcheville had replied that he would have admired it enormously and could not have read it without envy. but she had told me this while i slept: it was a dream
almost all our dreams respond thus to the questions which we put to ourselves with complicated statements, presentations of several characters on the stage, which however lead to nothing
as for mlle. de forcheville, i could not help feeling appalled when i thought of her. what? the daughter of swann who would so have loved to see her at the guermantes’, for whom they had refused their great friend the favour of an invitation, they had now sought out of their own accord, time having elapsed which refashions everything for us, instils a fresh personality, based upon what we have been told about them, into people whom we have not seen during a long interval, in which we ourselves have grown a new skin and acquired fresh tastes. i recalled how, to this girl, swann used to say at times as he hugged her and kissed her: “it is a comfort, my darling, to have a child like you; one day when i am no longer here, if people still mention your poor papa, it will be only to you and because of you.” swann in antic-p-ting thus after his own death a timorous and anxious hope of his survival in his daughter was as greatly mistaken as the old banker who having made a will in favour of a little dancer whom he is keeping and who behaves admirably, tells himself that he is nothing more to her than a great friend, but that she will remain faithful to his memory. she did behave admirably, while her feet under the table sought the feet of those of the old banker’s friends who appealed to her, but all this was concealed, beneath an excellent exterior. she will wear mourning for the worthy man, will feel that she is well rid of him, will enjoy not only the ready money, but the real estate, the motor-cars that he has bequeathed to her, taking care to remove the monogram of the former owner, which makes her feel slightly ashamed, and with her enjoyment of the gift will never -ssociate any regret for the giver. the illusions of paternal affection are perhaps no less deceiving than those of the other kind; many girls regard their fathers only as the old men who are going to leave them a fortune. gilberte’s presence in a drawing-room, instead of being an opportunity for speaking occasionally still of her father, was an obstacle in the way of people’s seizing those opportunities, increasingly more rare, that they might still have had of referring to him. even in connexion with the things that he had said, the presents that he had made, people acquired the habit of not mentioning him, and she who ought to have refreshed, not to say perpetuated his memory, found herself hastening and completing the process of death and oblivion
and it was not merely with regard to swann that gilberte was gradually completing the process of oblivion, she had accelerated in me that process of oblivion with regard to albertine
under the action of desire, and consequently of the desire for happiness which gilberte had aroused in me during those hours in which i had supposed her to be some one else, a certain number of miseries, of painful preoccupations, which only a little while earlier had obsessed my mind, had been released, carrying with them a whole block of memories, probably long since crumbled and become precarious, with regard to albertine. for if many memories, which were connected with her, had at the outset helped to keep alive in me my regret for her death, in return that regret had itself fixed those memories. so that the modification of my sentimental state, prepared no doubt obscurely day by day by the constant disintegration of oblivion, but realised abruptly as a whole, gave me the impression which i remember that i felt that day for the first time, of a void, of the suppression in myself of a whole portion of my -ssociation of ideas, which a man feels in whose brain an artery, long exhausted, has burst, so that a whole section of his memory is abolished or paralysed
the vanishing of my suffering and of all that it carried away with it, left me diminished as does often the healing of a malady which occupied a large place in our life. no doubt it is because memories are not always genuine that love is not eternal, and because life is made up of a perpetual renewal of our cells. but this renewal, in the case of memories, is nevertheless r-t-rded by the attention which arrests, and fixes a moment that is bound to change. and since it is the case with grief as with the desire for women that we increase it by thinking about it, the fact of having plenty of other things to do should, like chast-ty, make oblivion easy
by another reaction (albeit it was the distraction — the desire for mlle. d’éporcheville — that had made my oblivion suddenly apparent and perceptible), if the fact remains that it is time that gradually brings oblivion, oblivion does not fail to alter profoundly our notion of time. there are optical errors in time as there are in sp-ce. the persistence in myself of an old tendency to work, to make up for lost time, to change my way of life, or rather to begin to live gave me the illusion that i was still as young as in the past; and yet the memory of all the events that had followed one another in my life (and also of those that had followed one another in my heart, for when we have greatly changed, we are led to suppose that our life has been longer) in the course of those last months of albertine’s existence, had made them seem to me much longer than a year, and now this oblivion of so many things, separating me by gulfs of empty sp-ce from quite recent events which they made me think remote, because i had had what is called ‘the time’ to forget them, by its fragmentary, irregular interpolation in my memory — like a thick fog at sea which obliterates all the landmarks — confused, destroyed my sense of distances in time, contracted in one place, extended in another, and made me suppose myself now farther away from things, now far closer to them than i really was. and as in the fresh sp-ces, as yet unexplored, which extended before me, there would be no more trace of my love for albertine than there had been, in the time past which i had just traversed, of my love for my grandmother, my life appeared to me — offering a succession of periods in which, after a certain interval, nothing of what had sustained the previous period survived in that which followed — as something so devoid of the support of an individual, identical and permanent self, something so useless in the future and so protracted in the past, that death might just as well put an end to its course here or there, without in the least concluding it, as with those courses of french history which, in the rhetoric cl-ss, stop short indifferently, according to the whim of the curriculum or the professor, at the revolution of 1830, or at that of 1848, or at the end of the second empire
perhaps then the fatigue and distress which i was feeling were due not so much to my having loved in vain what i was already beginning to forget, as to my coming to take pleasure in the company of fresh living people, purely social figures, mere friends of the guermantes, offering no interest in themselves. it was easier perhaps to reconcile myself to the discovery that she whom i had loved was nothing more, after a certain interval of time, than a pale memory, than to the rediscovery in myself of that futile activity which makes us waste time in decorating our life with a human vegetation that is alive but is parasitic, which likewise will become nothing when it is dead, which already is alien to all that we have ever known, which, nevertheless, our garrulous, melancholy, conceited senility seeks to attract. the newcomer who would find it easy to endure the prospect of life without albertine had made his appearance in me, since i had been able to speak of her at mme. de guermantes’s in the language of grief without any real suffering. these strange selves which were to bear each a different name, the possibility of their coming had, by reason of their indifference to the object of my love, always alarmed me, long ago in connexion with gilberte when her father told me that if i went to live in oceania i would never wish to return, quite recently when i had read with such a pang in my heart the p-ssage in bergotte’s novel where he treats of the character who, separated by the events of life from a woman whom he had adored when he was young, as an old man meets her without pleasure, without any desire to see her again. now, on the contrary, he was bringing me with oblivion an almost complete elimination of suffering, a possibility of comfort, this person so dreaded, so beneficent who was none other than one of those spare selves whom destiny holds in reserve for us, and, without paying any more heed to our entreaties than a clear-sighted and so all the more authoritative physician, subst-tutes without our aid, by an opportune intervention, for the self that has been too seriously injured. this renewal, as it happens, nature performs from time to time, as by the decay and refashioning of our tissues, but we notice this only if the former self contained a great grief, a painful foreign body, which we are surprised to find no longer there, in our amazement at having become another self to whom the sufferings of his precursor are nothing more than the sufferings of a stranger, of which we can speak with comp-ssion because we do not feel them. indeed we are unaffected by our having undergone all those sufferings, since we have only a vague remembrance of having suffered them. it is possible that similarly our dreams, during the night, may be terrible. but when we awake we are another person to whom it is of no importance that the person whose place he takes has had to fly during our sleep from a band of cutthroats
no doubt this self had maintained some contact with the old self, as a friend, unconcerned by a bereavement, speaks of it nevertheless, to those who come to the house, in a suitable tone of sorrow, and returns from time to time to the room in which the widower who has asked him to receive the company for him may still be heard weeping. i made this contact even closer when i became once again for a moment the former friend of albertine. but it was into a new personality that i was tending to p-ss altogether. it is not because other people are dead that our affection for them grows faint, it is because we ourselves are dying. albertine had no cause to rebuke her friend. the man who was usurping his name had merely inherited it. we may be faithful to what we remember, we remember only what we have known. my new self, while it grew up in the shadow of the old, had often heard the other speak of albertine; through that other self, through the information that it gathered from it, it thought that it knew her, it found her attractive, it was in love with her, but this was merely an affection at second hand
another person in whom the process of oblivion, so far as concerned albertine, was probably more rapid at this time, and enabled me in return to realise a little later a fresh advance which that process had made in myself (and this is my memory of a second stage before the final oblivion), was andrée. i can scarcely, indeed, refrain from citing this oblivion of albertine as, if not the sole cause, if not even the princ-p-l cause, at any rate a conditioning and necessary cause of a conversation between andrée and myself about six months after the conversation which i have already reported, when her words were so different from those that she had used on the former occasion. i remember that it was in my room because at that moment i found a pleasure in having semi-carnal relations with her, because of the collective form originally -ssumed and now being resumed by my love for the girls of the little band, a love that had long been undivided among them, and for a while -ssociated exclusively with albertine’s person during the months that had preceded and followed her death
we were in my room for another reason as well which enables me to date this conversation quite accurately. this was that i had been banished from the rest of the apartment because it was mamma’s day. notwithstanding its being her day, and after some hesitation, mamma had gone to luncheon with mme. sazerat thinking that as mme. sazerat always contrived to invite one to meet boring people, she would be able without sacrificing any pleasure to return home in good time. and she had indeed returned in time and without regret, mme. sazerat having had n0body but the most deadly people who were frozen from the start by the special voice that she adopted when she had company, what mamma called her wednesday voice. my mother was, nevertheless, extremely fond of her, was sorry for her poverty — the result of the extravagance of her father who had been ruined by the d-ch-sse de x. . . . —-a poverty which compelled her to live all the year round at combray, with a few weeks at her cousin’s house in paris and a great ‘pleasure-trip’ every ten years
i remember that the day before this, at my request repeated for months past, and because the princess was always begging her to come, mamma had gone to call upon the princesse de parme who, herself, paid no calls, and at whose house people as a rule contented themselves with writing their names, but who had insisted upon my mother’s coming to see her, since the rules and regulations prevented her from coming to us. my mother had come home thoroughly cross: “you have sent me on a fool’s errand,” she told me, “the princesse de parme barely greeted me, she turned back to the ladies to whom she was talking without paying me any attention, and after ten minutes, as she hadn’t uttered a word to me, i came away without her even offering me her hand. i was extremely annoyed; however, on the doorstep, as i was leaving, i met the d-ch-sse de guermantes who was very kind and spoke to me a great deal about you. what a strange idea that was to tell her about albertine. she told me that you had said to her that her death had been such a grief to you. i shall never go near the princesse de parme again. you have made me make a fool of myself.”
well, the next day, which was my mother’s at-home day, as i have said, andrée came to see me. she had not much time, for she had to go and call for gisèle with whom she was very anxious to dine. “i know her faults, but she is after all my best friend and the person for whom i feel most affection,” she told me. and she even appeared to feel some alarm at the thought that i might ask her to let me dine with them. she was hungry for people, and a third person who knew her too well, such as myself, would, by preventing her from letting herself go, at once prevent her from enjoying complete satisfaction in their company
the memory of albertine had become so fragmentary in me that it no longer caused me any sorrow and was no more now than a transition to fresh desires, like a chord which announces a change of key. and indeed the idea of a momentary sensual caprice being ruled out, in so far as i was still faithful to albertine’s memory, i was happier at having andrée in my company than i would have been at having an albertine miraculously restored to life. for andrée could tell me more things about albertine than albertine herself had ever told me. now the problems concerning albertine still remained in my mind when my affection for her, both physical and moral, had already vanished. and my desire to know about her life, because it had diminished less, was now relatively greater than my need of her presence. on the other hand, the thought that a woman had perhaps had relations with albertine no longer provoked in me anything save the ooodesire to have relations myself also with that woman. i told andrée this, caressing her as i spoke. then, without making the slightest effort to harmonise her speech with what she had said a few months earlier, andrée said to me with a lurking smile: “ah! yes, but you are a man. and so we can’t do quite the same things as i used to do with albertine.” and whether it was that she considered that this increased my desire (in the hope of extracting confidences, i had told her that i would like to have relations with a woman who had had them with albertine) or my grief, or perhaps destroyed a sense of superiority to herself which she might suppose me to feel at being the only person who had had relations with albertine: “ah! we spent many happy hours together, she was so caressing, so p-ssionate. besides, it was not only with me that she liked to enjoy herself. she had met a nice boy at mme. verdurin’s, morel. they understood each other at once. he undertook (with her permission to enjoy himself with them too, for he liked virgins) to procure little girls for her. as soon as he had set their feet on the path, he left them. and so he made himself responsible for attracting young fisher-girls in some quiet watering-place, young laundresses, who would fall in love with a boy, but would not have listened to a girl’s advances. as soon as the girl was well under his control, he would bring her to a safe place, where he handed her over to albertine. for fear of losing morel, who took part in it all too, the girl always obeyed, and yet she lost him all the same, for, as he was afraid of what might happen and also as once or twice was enough for him, he would slip away leaving a false address. once he had the nerve to bring one of these girls, with albertine, to a brothel at corliville, where four or five of the women had her at once, or in turn. that was his p-ssion, and albertine’s also. but albertine suffered terrible remorse afterwards. i believe that when she was with you she had conquered her p-ssion and put off indulging it from day to day. then her affection for yourself was so strong that she felt scruples. but it was quite certain that, if she ever left you, she would begin again. she hoped that you would rescue her, that you would marry her. she felt in her heart that it was a sort of criminal lunacy, and i have often asked myself whether it was not after an incident of that sort, which had led to a suicide in a family, that she k!lled herself on purpose. i must confess that in the early days of her life with you she had not entirely given up her games with me. there were days when she seemed to need it, so much so that once, when it would have been so easy elsewhere, she could not say good-bye without taking me to bed with her, in your house. we had no luck, we were very nearly caught. she had taken her opportunity when françoise had gone out on some errand, and you had not come home. then she had turned out all the lights so that when you let yourself in with your key it would take you some time to find the switch, and she had not shut the door of her room. we heard you come upstairs, i had just time to make myself tidy and begin to come down. which was quite unnecessary, for by an incredible accident you had left your key at home and had to ring the bell. but we lost our heads all the same, so that to conceal our awkwardness we both of us, without any opportunity of discussing it, had the same idea: to pretend to be afraid of the scent of syringa which as a matter of fact we adored. you were bringing a long branch of it home with you, which enabled me to turn my head away and hide my confusion. this did not prevent me from telling you in the most idiotic way that perhaps françoise had come back and would let you in, when a moment earlier i had told you the lie that we had only just come in from our drive and that when we arrived françoise had not left the house and was just going on an errand. but our mistake was — supposing you to have your key — turning out the light, for we were afraid that as you came upstairs you would see it turned on again, or at least we hesitated too long. and for three nights on end albertine could not close an eye, for she was always afraid that you might be suspicious and ask françoise why she had not turned on the light before leaving the house. for albertine was terribly afraid of you, and at times she would -ssure me that you were wicked, mean, that you hated her really. after three days she gathered from your calm that you had said nothing to françoise, and she was able to sleep again. but she never did anything with me after that, perhaps from fear, perhaps from remorse, for she made out that she did really love you, or perhaps she was in love with some other man. in any case, n0body could ever mention syringa again in her hearing without her turning crimson and putting her hand over her face in the hope of hiding her blushes.”
as there are strokes of good fortune, so there are misfortunes that come too late, they do not -ssume all the importance that they would have had in our eyes a little earlier. among these was the calamity that andrée’s terrible revelation was to me. no doubt, even when bad tidings ought to make us unhappy, it so happens that in the diversion, the balanced give and take of conversation, they p-ss by us without stopping, and that we ourselves, preoccupied with a thousand things which we have to say in response, transformed by the desire to please our present company into some one else protected for a few moments in this new environment against the affections, the sufferings that he has discarded upon entering it and will find again when the brief spell is broken, have not the time to take them in. and yet if those affections, those sufferings are too predominant, we enter only distractedly into the zone of a new and momentary world, in which, too faithful to our sufferings, we are incapable of becoming another person, and then the words that we hear said enter at once into relation with our heart, which has not remained out of action. but for some time past words that concerned albertine, had, like a poison that has evaporated, lost their toxic power. she was already too remote from me
as a wayfarer seeing in the afternoon a misty crescent in the sky, says to himself: “that is it, the vast moon,” so i said to myself: “what, so that truth which i have sought so earnestly, which i have so dreaded, is nothing more than these few words uttered in the course of conversation, words to which we cannot even give our whole attention since we are not alone!” besides, it took me at a serious disadvantage, i had exhausted myself with andrée. with a truth of such magnitude, i would have liked to have more strength to devote to it; it remained outside me, but this was because i had not yet found a place for it in my heart. we would like the truth to be revealed to us by novel signs, not by a phrase similar to those which we have constantly repeated to ourselves. the habit of thinking prevents us at times from feeling reality, makes us immune to it, makes it seem no more than another thought
there is no idea that does not carry in itself a possible refutation, no word that does not imply its opposite. in any case, if all this was true, how futile a verification of the life of a mistress who exists no longer, rising up from the depths and coming to the surface just when we are no longer able to make any use of it. then, thinking doubtless of some other woman whom we now love and with regard to whom the same change may occur (for to her whom we have forgotten we no longer give a thought), we lose heart. we say to ourselves: “if she were alive!” we say to ourselves: “if she who is alive could understand all this and that when she is dead i shall know everything that she is hiding from me.” but this is a vicious circle. if i could have brought albertine back to life, the immediate consequence would have been that andrée would have revealed nothing. it is the same thing as the everlasting: “you’ll see what it’s like when i no longer love you” which is so true and so absurd, since as a matter of fact we should elicit much if we were no longer in love, but when we should no longer think of inquiring. it is precisely the same. for the woman whom we see again when we are no longer in love with her, if she tells us everything, the fact is that she is no longer herself, or that we are no longer ourselves: the person who was in love has ceased to exist. there also death has p-ssed by, and has made everything easy and unnecessary. i pursued these reflexions, adopting the hypothesis that andrée had been telling the truth — which was possible — and had been prompted to sincerity with me, precisely because she now had relations with me, by that saint-andré-des-champs side of her nature which albertine, too, had shewn me at the start. she was encouraged in this case by the fact that she was no longer afraid of albertine, for other people’s reality survives their death for only a short time in our mind, and after a few years they are like those gods of obsolete religions whom we insult without fear, because people have ceased to believe in their existence. but the fact that andrée no longer believed in the reality of albertine might mean that she no longer feared (any more than to betray a secret which she had promised not to reveal) to invent a falsehood which slandered retrospectively her alleged accomplice. had this absence of fear permitted her to reveal at length, in speaking as she did, the truth, or rather to invent a falsehood, if, for some reason, she supposed me to be full of happiness and pride, and wished to pain me? perhaps the sight of me caused her a certain irritation (held in suspense so long as she saw that i was miserable, unconsoled) because i had had relations with albertine and she envied me, perhaps — supposing that i considered myself on that account more highly favoured than her — an advantage which she herself had never, perhaps, obtained, nor even sought. thus it was that i had often heard her say how ill they were looking to people whose air of radiant health, and what was more their consciousness of their own air of radiant health, exasperated her, and say in the hope of annoying them that she herself was very well, a fact that she did not cease to proclaim when she was seriously ill until the day when, in the detachment of death, it no longer mattered to her that other fortunate people should be well and should know that she was dying. but this day was still remote. perhaps she had turned against me, for what reason i knew not, in one of whose rages in which she used, long ago, to turn against the young man so learned in sporting matters, so ignorant of everything else, whom we had met at balbec, who since then had been living with rachel, and at the mention of whom andrée overflowed in defamatory speeches, hoping to be sued for libel in order to be able to launch against his father disgraceful accusations the falsehood of which he would not be able to prove. quite possibly this rage against myself had simply revived, having doubtless ceased when she saw how miserable i was. indeed, the very same people whom she, her eyes flashing with rage, had longed to disgrace, to k!ll, to send to prison, by false testimony if need be, she had only to know that they were unhappy, crushed, to cease to wish them any harm, and to be ready to overwhelm them with kindnesses. for she was not fundamentally wicked, and if her non-apparent, somewhat buried nature was not the kindness which one divined at first from her delicate attentions, but rather envy and pride, her third nature, buried more deeply still, the true but not entirely realised nature, tended towards goodness and the love of her neighbour. only, like all those people who, being in a certain state of life, desire a better state, but knowing it only by desire, do not realise that the first condition is to break away from the former state — like the neurasthenics or morphinomaniacs who are anxious to be cured, but at the same time do not wish to be deprived of their manias or their morphine, like the religious hearts or artistic spirits attached to the world who long for solitude but seek nevertheless to imagine it as not implying an absolute renunciation of their former existence — andrée was prepared to love all her fellow-creatures, but on the condition that she should first of all have succeeded in not imagining them as triumphant, and to that end should have humiliated them in advance. she did not understand that we ought to love even the proud, and to conquer their pride by love and not by a more overweening pride. but the fact is that she was like those invalids who wish to be cured by the very means that prolong their malady, which they like and would cease at once to like if they renounced them. but people wish to learn to swim and at the same time to keep one foot on the ground. as for the young sportsman, the verdurins’ nephew, whom i had met during my two visits to balbec, i am bound to add, as an accessory statement and in antic-p-tion, that some time after andrée’s visit, a visit my account of which will be resumed in a moment, certain events occurred which caused a great sensation. first of all, this young man (perhaps remembering albertine with whom i did not then know that he had been in love) became engaged to andrée and married her, notwithstanding the despair of rachel to which he paid not the slightest attention. andrée no longer said then (that is to say some months after the visit of which i have been speaking) that he was a wretch, and i realised later on that she had said so only because she was madly in love with him and thought that he did not want to have anything to do with her. but another fact impressed me even more. this young man produced certain sketches for the theatre, with settings and costumes designed by himself, which have effected in the art of to-day a revolution at least equal to that brought about by the russian ballet. in fact, the best qualified critics regarded his work as something of capital importance, almost as works of g*nius and for that matter i agree with them, confirming thus, to my own astonishment, the opinion long held by rachel. the people who had known him at balbec, anxious only to be certain whether the cut of the clothes of the men with whom he -ssociated was or was not smart, who had seen him spend all his time at baccarat, at the races, on the golf course or on the polo ground, who knew that at school he had always been a dunce, and had even been expelled from the lycée (to annoy his parents, he had spent two months in the smart brothel in which m. de charlus had hoped to surprise morel), thought that perhaps his work was done by andrée who, in her love for him, chose to leave him the renown, or that more probably he was paying, out of his huge private fortune at which his excesses had barely nibbled, some inspired but needy professional to create it. people in this kind of wealthy society, not purified by mingling with the aristocracy, and having no idea of what const-tutes an artist — a word which to them is represented only by an actor whom they engage to recite monologues at the party given for their daughter’s betrothal, at once handing him his fee discreetly in another room, or by a painter to whom they make her sit after she is married, before the children come and when she is still at her best — are apt to believe that all the people in society who write, compose or paint, have their work done for them and pay to obtain a reputation as an author as other men pay to make sure of a seat in parliament. but all this was false, and the young man was indeed the author of those admirable works. when i learned this, i was obliged to hesitate between contrary suppositions. either he had indeed been for years on end the ‘co-rs- brute’ that he appeared to be, and some physiological cataclysm had awakened in him the dormant g*nius, like a sleeping beauty, or else at the period of his tempestuous schooldays, of his failures to matriculate in the final examination, of his heavy gambling losses at balbec, of his reluctance to shew himself in the tram with his aunt verdurin’s faithful, because of their unconventional attire, he was already a man of g*nius, distracted perhaps from his g*nius, having left its key beneath the door-mat in the effervescence of juvenile p-ssions; or again, already a conscious man of g*nius, and at the bottom of his cl-sses, because, while the master was uttering plat-tudes about cicero, he himself was reading rimbaud or goethe. certainly, there was no ground for any such hypothesis when i met him at balbec, where his interests seemed to me to be centred solely in turning out a smart carriage and pair and in mixing c-cktails. but even this is not an insuperable objection. he might be extremely vain, and this may be allied to g*nius, and might seek to shine in the manner which he knew to be dazzling in the world in which he lived, which did not mean furnishing a profound knowledge of elective affinities, but far rather a knowledge of how to drive four-in-hand. moreover, i am not at all sure that later on, when he had become the author of those fine and so original works, he would have cared greatly, outside the theatres in which he was known, to greet anyone who was not in evening dress, like the ‘faithful’ in their earlier manner, which would be a proof in him not of stupidity, but of vanity, and indeed of a certain practical sense, a certain clairvoyance in adapting his vanity to the mentality of the imbeciles upon whose esteem he depended and in whose eyes a dinner-jacket might perhaps shine with a more brilliant radiance than the eyes of a thinker. who can say whether, seen from without, some man of talent, or even a man devoid of talent, but a lover of the things of the mind, myself for instance, would not have appeared, to anyone who met him at rivebelle, at the hotel at balbec, or on the beach there, the most perfect and pretentious imbecile. not to mention that for octave matters of art must have been a thing so intimate, a thing that lived so in the most secret places of his heart that doubtless it would never have occurred to him to speak of them, as saint-loup, for instance, would have spoken, for whom the fine arts had the importance that horses and carriages had for octave. besides, he may have had a p-ssion for gambling, and it is said that he has retained it. all the same, even if the piety which brought to light the unknown work of vinteuil arose from amid the troubled life of montjouvain, i was no less impressed by the thought that the masterpieces which are perhaps the most extraordinary of our day have emerged not from the university certificate, from a model, academic education, upon broglie lines, but from the fréquentation of ‘paddocks’ and fashionable bars. in any case, in those days at balbec, the reasons which made me anxious to know him, which made albertine and her friends anxious that i should not know him, were equally detached from his merit, and could only have brought into prominence the eternal misunderstanding between an ‘intellectual’ (represented in this instance by myself) and people in society (represented by the little band) with regard to a person in society (the young golfer). i had no inkling of his talent, and his prestige in my eyes, like that, in the past, of mme. blatin, had been that of his being — whatever they might say — the friend of my girl friends, and more one of their band than myself. on the other hand, albertine and andrée, symbolising in this respect the incapacity of people in society to bring a sound judgment to bear upon the things of the mind and their propensity to attach themselves in that connexion to false appearances, not only thought me almost idiotic because i took an interest in such an imbecile, but were astonished beyond measure that, taking one golfer with another, my choice should have fallen upon the poorest player of them all. if, for instance, i had chosen to -ssociate with young gilbert de belloeuvre; apart from golf, he was a boy who had the gift of conversation, who had secured a proxime in the examinations and wrote quite good poetry (as a matter of fact he was the stupidest of them all). or again if my object had been to ‘make a study for a book,’ guy saumoy who was completely insane, who had abducted two girls, was at least a singular type who might ‘interest’ me. these two might have been allowed me, but the other, what attraction could i find in him, he was the type of the ‘great brute,’ of the ‘co-rs- brute.’ to return to andrée’s visit, after the disclosure that she had just made to me of her relations with albertine, she added that the chief reason for which albertine had left me was the thought of what her friends of the little band might think, and other people as well, when they saw her living like that with a young man to whom she was not married. “of course i know, it was in your mother’s house. but that makes no difference. you can’t imagine what all those girls are like, what they conceal from one another, how they dread one another’s opinion. i have seen them being terribly severe with young men simply because the men knew their friends and they were afraid that certain things might be repeated, and those very girls, i have happened to see them in a totally different light, much to their disgust.” a few months earlier, this knowledge which andrée appeared to possess of the motives that swayed the girls of the little band would have seemed to me the most priceless thing in the world. what she said was perhaps sufficient to explain why albertine, who had given herself to me afterwards in paris, had refused to yield to me at balbec where i was constantly meeting her friends, which i had absurdly supposed to be so great an advantage in winning her affection. perhaps indeed it was because she had seen me display some sign of intimacy with andrée or because i had rashly told the latter that albertine was coming to spend the night at the grand hotel, that albertine who perhaps, an hour earlier, was ready to let me take certain favours, as though that were the simplest thing in the world, had abruptly changed her mind and threatened to ring the bell. but then, she must have been accommodating to lots of others. this thought rekindled my jealousy and i told andrée that there was something that i wished to ask her. “you did those things in your grandmother’s empty apartment?” “oh, no, never, we should have been disturbed.” “why, i thought . . . it seemed to me . . . ” “besides, albertine loved doing it in the country.” “and where, pray?” “originally, when she hadn’t time to go very far, we used to go to the b-ttes-chaumont. she knew a house there. or else we would lie under the trees, there is never anyone about; in the grotto of the pet-t trianon, too.” “there, you see; how am i to believe you? you swore to me, not a year ago, that you had never done anything at the b-ttes-chaumont.” “i was afraid of distressing you.” as i have said, i thought (although not until much later) that on the contrary it was on this second occasion, the day of her confessions, that andrée had sought to distress me. and this thought would have occurred to me at once, because i should have felt the need of it, if i had still been as much in love with albertine. but andrée’s words did not hurt me sufficiently to make it indispensable to me to dismiss them immediately as untrue. in short if what andrée said was true, and i did not doubt it at the time, the real albertine whom i discovered, after having known so many diverse forms of albertine, differed very little from the young bacch-n-l who had risen up and whom i had detected, on the first day, on the front at balbec, and who had offered me so many different aspects in succession, as a town gradually alters the position of its buildings so as to overtop, to obliterate the princ-p-l monument which alone we beheld from a distance, as we approach it, whereas when we know it well and can judge it exactly, its true proportions prove to be those which the perspective of the first glance had indicated, the rest, through which we p-ssed, being no more than that continuous series of lines of defence which everything in creation raises against our vision, and which we must cross one after another, at the cost of how much suffering, before we arrive at the heart. if, however, i had no need to believe absolutely in albertine’s innocence because my suffering had diminished, i can say that reciprocally if i did not suffer unduly at this revelation, it was because, some time since, for the belief that i feigned in albertine’s innocence, there had been subst-tuted gradually and without my taking it into account the belief, ever present in my mind, in her guilt. now if i no longer believed in albertine’s innocence, it was because i had already ceased to feel the need, the p-ssionate desire to believe in it. it is desire that engenders belief and if we fail as a rule to take this into account, it is because most of the desires that create beliefs end — unlike the desire which had persuaded me that albertine was innocent — only with our own life. to all the evidence that corroborated my original version i had stupidly preferred simple statements by albertine. why had i believed them? falsehood is essential to humanity. it plays as large a part perhaps as the quest of pleasure and is moreover commanded by that quest. we lie in order to protect our pleasure or our honour if the disclosure of our pleasure runs counter to our honour. we lie all our life long, especially indeed, perhaps only, to those people who love us. such people in fact alone make us fear for our pleasure and desire their esteem. i had at first thought albertine guilty, and it was only my desire devoting to a process of doubt the strength of my intelligence that had set me upon the wrong track. perhaps we live surrounded by electric, seismic signs, which we must interpret in good faith in order to know the truth about the characters of other people. if the truth must be told, saddened as i was in spite of everything by andrée’s words, i felt it to be better that the truth should at last agree with what my instinct had originally foreboded, rather than with the miserable optimism to which i had since made a cowardly surrender. i would have preferred that life should remain at the high level of my intuitions. those moreover which i had felt, that first day upon the beach, when i had supposed that those girls embodied the frenzy of pleasure, were vice incarnate, and again on the evening when i had seen albertine’s governess leading that p-ssionate girl home to the little villa, as one thrust into its cage a wild animal which nothing in the future, despite appearances, will ever succeed in taming, did they not agree with what bloch had told me when he had made the world seem so fair to me by shewing me, making me palpitate on all my walks, at every encounter, the universality of desire. perhaps, when all was said, it was better that i should not have found those first intuitions verified afresh until now. while the whole of my love for albertine endured, they would have made me suffer too keenly and it was better that there should have subsisted of them only a trace, my perpetual suspicion of things which i did not see and which nevertheless happened continually so close to me, and perhaps another trace as well, earlier, more vast, which was my love itself. was it not indeed, despite all the denials of my reason, tantamount to knowing albertine in all her hideousness, merely to choose her, to love her; and even in the moments when suspicion is lulled, is not love the persistence and a transformation of that suspicion, is it not a proof of clairvoyance (a proof unintelligible to the lover himself), since desire going always in the direction of what is most opposite to ourselves forces us to love what will make us suffer? certainly there enter into a person’s charm, into the attraction of her eyes, her lips, her figure, the elements unknown to us which are capable of making us suffer most intensely, so much so that to feel ourselves attracted by the person, to begin to love her, is, however innocent we may pretend it to be, to read already, in a different version, all her betrayals and her faults. and those charms which, to attract me, materialised thus the noxious, dangerous, fatal parts of a person, did they perhaps stand in a more direct relation of cause to effect to those secret poisons than do the seductive luxuriance and the toxic juice of certain venomous flowers? it was perhaps, i told myself, albertine’s vice itself, the cause of my future sufferings, that had produced in her that honest, frank manner, creating the illusion that one could enjoy with her the same loyal and unrestricted comradeship as with a man, just as a parellel vice had produced in m. de charlus a feminine refinement of sensibility and mind. through a period of the most utter blindness, perspicacity persists beneath the very form of predilection and affection. which means that we are wrong in speaking of a bad choice in love, since whenever there is a choice it can only be bad. “did those excursions to the b-ttes-chaumont take place when you used to call for her here?” i asked andrée. “oh! no, from the day when albertine came back from balbec with you, except the time i told you about, she never did anything again with me. she would not even allow me to mention such things to her.” “but, my dear andrée, why go on lying to me? by the merest chance, for i never try to find out anything, i have learned in the minutest details things of that sort which albertine did, i can tell you exactly, on the bank of the river with a laundress, only a few days before her death.” “ah! perhaps after she had left you, that i can’t say. she felt that she had failed, that she would never again be able to regain your confidence.” these last words appalled me. then i thought again of the evening of the branch of syringa, i remembered that about a fortnight later, as my jealousy kept seeking a fresh object, i had asked albertine whether she had ever had relations with andrée, and she had replied: “oh! never! of course, i adore andrée; i have a profound affection for her, but as though we were sisters, and even if i had the tastes which you seem to suppose, she is the last person that would have entered my head. i can swear to you by anything you like, by my aunt, by my poor mother’s grave.” i had believed her. and yet even if i had not been made suspicious by the contradiction between her former partial admissions with regard to certain matters and the firmness with which she had afterwards denied them as soon as she saw that i was not unaffected, i ought to have remembered swann, convinced of the platonic nature of m. de charlus’s friendships and -ssuring me of it on the evening of the very day on which i had seen the tailor and the baron in the courtyard. i ought to have reflected that if there are, one covering the other, two worlds, one consisting of the things that the best, the sincerest people say, and behind it the world composed of those same people’s successive actions, so that when a married woman says to you of a young man: “oh! it is perfectly true that i have an immense affection for him, but it is something quite innocent, quite pure, i could swear it upon the memory of my parents,” we ought ourselves, instead of feeling any hesitation, to swear that she has probably just come from her bath-room to which, after every -ssignation that she has with the young man in question, she dashes, to prevent any risk of his giving her a child. the spray of syringa made me profoundly sad, as did also the discovery that albertine could have thought or called me cruel and hostile; most of all perhaps, certain lies so unexpected that i had difficulty in grasping them. one day albertine had told me that she had been to an aerodrome, that the airman was in love with her (this doubtless in order to divert my suspicion from women, thinking that i was less jealous of other men), that it had been amusing to watch andrée’s raptures at the said airman, at all the compliments that he paid albertine, until finally andrée had longed to go in the air with him. now this was an entire fabrication; andrée had never visited the aerodrome in question
when andrée left me, it was dinner-time. “you will never guess who has been to see me and stayed at least three hours,” said my mother. “i call it three hours, it was perhaps longer, she arrived almost on the heels of my first visitor, who was mme. cottard, sat still and watched everybody come and go — and i had more than thirty callers — and left me only a quarter of an hour ago. if you hadn’t had your friend andrée with you, i should have sent for you.” “why, who was it?” “a person who never pays calls.” “the princesse de parme?” “why, i have a cleverer son than i thought i had. there is no fun in making you guess a name, for you hit on it at once.” “did she come to apologise for her rudeness yesterday?” “no, that would have been stupid, the fact of her calling was an apology. your poor grandmother would have thought it admirable. it seems that about two o’clock she had sent a footman to ask whether i had an at-home day. she was told that this was the day and so up she came.” my first thought, which i did not dare mention to mamma, was that the princesse de parme, surrounded, the day before, by people of rank and fashion with whom she was on intimate terms and enjoyed conversing, had when she saw my mother come into the room felt an annoyance which she had made no attempt to conceal. and it was quite in the style of the great ladies of germany, which for that matter the guermantes had largely adopted, this stiffness, for which they thought to atone by a scrupulous affability. but my mother believed, and i came in time to share her opinion, that all that had happened was that the princesse de parme, having failed to recognise her, had not felt herself bound to pay her any attention, that she had learned after my mother’s departure who she was, either from the d-ch-sse de guermantes whom my mother had met as she was leaving the house, or from the list of her visitors, whose names, before they entered her presence, the servants recorded in a book. she had thought it impolite to send word or to say to my mother: “i did not recognise you,” but — and this was no less in harmony with the good manners of the german courts and with the guermantes code of behaviour than my original theory — had thought that a call, an exceptional action on the part of a royal personage, and what was more a call of several hours’ duration, would convey the explanation to my mother in an indirect but no less convincing form, which is just what did happen. but i did not waste any time in asking my mother to tell me about the princess’s call, for i had just recalled a number of incidents with regard to albertine as to which i had meant but had forgotten to question andrée. how little, for that matter, did i know, should i ever know, of this story of albertine, the only story that could be of particular interest to me, or did at least begin to interest me afresh at certain moments. for man is that creature without any fixed age, who has the faculty of becoming, in a few seconds, many years younger, and who, surrounded by the walls of the time through which he has lived, floats within them but as though in a basin the surface-level of which is constantly changing, so as to bring him into the range now of one epoch now of another. i wrote to andrée asking her to come again. she was unable to do so until a week had p-ssed. almost as soon as she entered the room, i said to her: “very well, then, since you maintain that albertine never did that sort of thing while she was staying here, according to you, it was to be able to do it more freely that she left me, but for which of her friends?” “certainly not, it was not that at all.” “then because i was too unkind to her?” “no, i don’t think so. i believe that she was forced to leave you by her aunt who had designs for her future upon that guttersnipe, you know, the young man whom you used to call ‘i am in the soup,’ the young man who was in love with albertine and had proposed for her. seeing that you did not marry her, they were afraid that the shocking length of her stay in your house might prevent the young man from proposing. mme. bontemps, after the young man had brought continual pressure to bear upon her, summoned albertine home. albertine after all needed her uncle and aunt, and when she found that they expected her to make up her mind she left you.” i had never in my jealousy thought of this explanation, but only of albertine’s desire for other women and of my own vigilance, i had forgotten that there was also mme. bontemps who might presently regard as strange what had shocked my mother from the first. at least mme. bontemps was afraid that it might shock this possible husband whom she was keeping in reserve for albertine, in case i failed to marry her. was this marriage really the cause of albertine’s departure, and out of self-respect, so as not to appear to be dependent on her aunt, or to force me to marry her, had she preferred not to mention it? i was beginning to realise that the system of multiple causes for a single action, of which albertine shewed her mastery in her relations with her girl friends when she allowed each of them to suppose that it was for her sake that she had come, was only a sort of artificial, deliberate symbol of the different aspects that an action -ssumes according to the point of view that we adopt. the astonishment, i might almost say the shame that i felt at never having even once told myself that albertine, in my house, was in a false position, which might give offence to her aunt, it was not the first, nor was it the last time that i felt it. how often has it been my lot, after i have sought to understand the relations between two people and the crises that they bring about, to hear, all of a sudden, a third person speak to me of them from his own point of view, for he has even closer relations with one of the two, a point of view which has perhaps been the cause of the crisis. and if people’s actions remain so indefinite, how should not the people themselves be equally indefinite? if i listened to the people who maintained that albertine was a schemer who had tried to get one man after another to marry her, it was not difficult to imagine how they would have defined her life with me. and yet to my mind she had been a victim, a victim who perhaps was not altogether pure, but in that case guilty for other reasons, on account of vices to which people did not refer. but we must above all say to ourselves this: on the one hand, lying is often a trait of character; on the other hand, in women who would not otherwise be liars, it is a natural defence, improvised at first, then more and more organised, against that sudden danger which would be capable of destroying all life: love. on the other hand again, it is not the effect of chance if men who are intelligent and sensitive invariably give themselves to insensitive and inferior women, and are at the same time so attached to them that the proof that they are not loved does not in the least cure them of the instinct to sacrifice everything else in the attempt to keep such a woman with them. if i say that such men need to suffer, i am saying something that is accurate while suppressing the preliminary truths which make that need — involuntary in a sense — to suffer a perfectly comprehensible consequence of those truths. without taking into account that, complete natures being rare, a man who is highly sensitive and highly intelligent will generally have little will-power, will be the plaything of habit and of that fear of suffering in the immediate present which condemns us to perpetual suffering — and that in those conditions he will never be prepared to repudiate the woman who does not love him. we may be surprised that he should be content with so little love, but we ought rather to picture to ourselves the grief that may be caused him by the love which he himself feels. a grief which we ought not to pity unduly, for those terrible commotions which are caused by an unrequited love, by the departure, the death of a mistress, are like those attacks of paralysis which at first leave us helpless, but after which our muscles begin by degrees to recover their vital elasticity and energy. what is more, this grief does not lack compensation. these sensitive and intelligent men are as a rule little inclined to falsehood. this takes them all the more by surprise inasmuch as, intelligent as they may be, they live in the world of possibilities, react little, live in the grief which a woman has just inflicted on them, rather than in the clear perception of what she had in mind, what she was doing, of the man with whom she was in love, a perception granted chiefly to deliberate natures which require it in order to prepare against the future instead of lamenting the past. and so these men feel that they are betrayed without quite knowing how. wherefore the mediocre woman with whom we were surprised to see them fall in love enriches the universe for them far more than an intelligent woman would have done. behind each of her words, they feel that a lie is lurking, behind each house to which she says that she has gone, another house, behind each action, each person, another action, another person. doubtless they do not know what or whom, have not the energy, would not perhaps find it possible to discover. a lying woman, by an extremely simple trick, can beguile, without taking the trouble to change her method, any number of people, and, what is more, the very person who ought to have discovered the trick. all this creates, in front of the sensitive and intelligent man, a universe all depth which his jealousy would fain plumb and which is not without interest to his intelligence
albeit i was not exactly a man of that category, i was going perhaps, now that albertine was dead, to learn the secret of her life. here again, do not these indiscretions which occur only after a person’s life on earth is ended, prove that n0body believes, really, in a future state. if these indiscretions are true, we ought to fear the resentment of her whose actions we are revealing fully as much on the day when we shall meet her in heaven, as we feared it so long as she was alive, when we felt ourselves bound to keep her secret. and if these indiscretions are false, invented because she is no longer present to contradict them, we ought to be even more afraid of the dead woman’s wrath if we believed in heaven. but no one does believe in it. so that it was possible that a long debate had gone on in albertine’s heart between staying with me and leaving me, but that her decision to leave me had been made on account of her aunt, or of that young man, and not on account of women to whom perhaps she had never given a thought. the most serious thing to my mind was that andrée, albeit she had nothing now to conceal from me as to albertine’s morals, swore to me that nothing of the sort had ever occurred between albertine on the one hand and mlle. vinteuil or her friend on the other. (albertine herself was unconscious of her own instincts when she first met the girls, and they, from that fear of making a mistake in the object of our desire, which breeds as many errors as desire itself, regarded her as extremely hostile to that sort of thing. perhaps later on they had learned that her tastes were similar to their own, but by that time they knew albertine too well and albertine knew them too well for there to be any thought of their doing things together.) in short i did not understand any better than before why albertine had left me. if the face of a woman is perceived with difficulty by our eyes which cannot take in the whole of its moving surface, by our lips, still more by our memory, if it is shrouded in obscurity according to her social position, according to the level at which we are situated, how much thicker is the veil drawn between the actions of her whom we see and her motives. her motives are situated in a more distant plane, which we do not perceive, and engender moreover actions other than those which we know and often in absolute contradiction to them. when has there not been some man in public life, regarded as a saint by his friends, who is discovered to have forged doc-ments, robbed the state, betrayed his country? how often is a great n0bleman robbed by a steward, whom he has brought up from childhood, ready to swear that he was an honest man, as possibly he was? now this curtain that screens another person’s motives, how much more impenetrable does it become if we are in love with that person, for it clouds our judgment and also obscures the actions of her who, feeling that she is loved, ceases at once to attach any value to what otherwise would doubtless have seemed to her important, such as wealth for example. perhaps moreover she is impelled to pretend, to a certain extent, this scorn of wealth in the hope of obtaining more money by making us suffer. the bargaining instinct also may be involved. and so with the actual incidents in her life, an intrigue which she has confided to no one for fear of its being revealed to us, which many people might, for all that, have discovered, had they felt the same p-ssionate desire to know it as ourselves, while preserving freer minds, arousing fewer suspicions in the guilty party, an intrigue of which certain people have not been unaware — but people whom we do not know and should not know how to find. and among all these reasons for her adopting an inexplicable att-tude towards us, we must include those idiosyncrasies of character which impel a person, whether from indifference to his own interests, or from hatred, or from love of freedom, or from sudden bursts of anger, or from fear of what certain people will think, to do the opposite of what we expected. and then there are the differences of environment, of upbringing, in which we refuse to believe because, when we are talking together, they are effaced by our speech, but which return, when we are apart, to direct the actions of each of us from so opposite a point of view that there is no possibility of their meeting. “but, my dear andrée, you are lying again. remember — you admitted it to me yourself — i telephoned to you the evening before; you remember albertine had been so anxious, and kept it from me as though it had been something that i must not know about, to go to the afternoon party at the verdurins’ at which mlle. vinteuil was expected.” “yes, but albertine had not the slightest idea that mlle. vinteuil was to be there.” “what? you yourself told me that she had met mme. verdurin a few days earlier. besides, andrée, there is no point in our trying to deceive one another. i found a letter one morning in albertine’s room, a note from mme. verdurin begging her to come that afternoon.” and i shewed her the note which, as a matter of fact, françoise had taken care to bring to my notice by placing it on the surface of albertine’s possessions a few days before her departure, and, i am afraid, leaving it there to make albertine suppose that i had been rummaging among her things, to let her know in any case that i had seen it. and i had often asked myself whether françoise’s ruse had not been largely responsible for the departure of albertine, who saw that she could no longer conceal anything from me, and felt disheartened, vanquished. i shewed andrée the letter: “i feel no compunction, everything is excused by this strong family feeling. . . . ” “you know very well, andrée, that albertine used always to say that mlle. vinteuil’s friend was indeed a mother, an elder sister to her.” “but you have misinterpreted this note. the person that mme. verdurin wished albertine to meet that afternoon was not at all mlle. vinteuil’s friend, it was the young man you call ‘i am in the soup,’ and the strong family feeling is what mme. verdurin felt for the brute who is after all her nephew. at the same time i think that albertine did hear afterwards that mlle. vinteuil was to be there, mme. verdurin may have let her know separately. of course the thought of seeing her friend again gave her pleasure, reminded her of happy times in the past, but just as you would be glad, if you were going to some place, to know that elstir would be there, but no more than that, not even as much. no, if albertine was unwilling to say why she wanted to go to mme. verdurin’s, it is because it was a rehearsal to which mme. verdurin had invited a very small party, including that nephew of hers whom you had met at balbec, to whom mme. bontemps was hoping to marry albertine and to whom albertine wanted to talk. a fine lot of people!” and so albertine, in spite of what andrée’s mother used to think, had had after all the prospect of a wealthy marriage. and when she had wanted to visit mme. verdurin, when she spoke to her in secret, when she had been so annoyed that i should have gone there that evening without warning her, the plot that had been woven by her and mme. verdurin had had as its object her meeting not mlle. vinteuil but the nephew with whom albertine was in love and for whom mme. verdurin was acting as go-between, with the satisfaction in working for the achievement of one of those marriages which surprise us in certain families into whose state of mind we do not enter completely, supposing them to be intent upon a rich bride. now i had never given another thought to this nephew who had perhaps been the initiator thanks to whom i had received her first kiss. and for the whole plane of albertine’s motives which i had constructed, i must now subst-tute another, or rather superimpose it, for perhaps it did not exclude the other, a preference for women did not prevent her from marrying. “and anyhow there is no need to seek out all these explanations,” andrée went on. “heaven only knows how i loved albertine and what a good creature she was, but really, after she had typhoid (a year before you first met us all) she was an absolute madcap. all of a sudden she would be disgusted with what she was doing, all her plans would have to be changed at once, and she herself probably could not tell you why. you remember the year when you first came to balbec, the year when you met us all? one fine day she made some one send her a telegram calling her back to paris, she had barely time to pack her trunks. but there was absolutely no reason for her to go. all the excuses that she made were false. paris was impossible for her at the moment. we were all of us still at balbec. the golf club wasn’t closed, indeed the heats for the cup which she was so keen on winning weren’t finished. she was certain to win it. it only meant staying on for another week. well, off she went. i have often spoken to her about it since. she said herself that she didn’t know why she had left, that she felt home-sick (the home being paris, you can imagine how likely that was), that she didn’t feel happy at balbec, that she thought that there were people there who were laughing at her.” and i told myself that there was this amount of truth in what andrée said that, if differences between minds account for the different impressions produced upon one person and another by the same work, for differences of feeling, for the impossibility of captivating a person to whom we do not appeal, there are also the differences between characters, the peculiarities of a single character, which are also motives for action. then i ceased to think about this explanation and said to myself how difficult it is to know the truth in this world. i had indeed observed albertine’s anxiety to go to mme. verdurin’s and her concealment of it and i had not been mistaken. but then even if we do manage to grasp one fact like this, there are others which we perceive only in their outward appearance, for the reverse of the tapestry, the real side of the action, of the intrigue — as well as that of the intellect, of the heart — is hidden from us and we see p-ss before us only flat silhouettes of which we say to ourselves: it is this, it is that; it is on her account, or on some one’s else. the revelation of the fact that mlle. vinteuil was expected had seemed to me an explanation all the more logical seeing that albertine had antic-p-ted it by mentioning her to me. and subsequently had she not refused to swear to me that mlle. vinteuil’s presence gave her no pleasure? and here, with regard to this young man, i remembered a point which i had forgotten; a little time earlier, while albertine was staying with me, i had met him, and he had been — in contradiction of his att-tude at balbec — extremely friendly, even affectionate with me, had begged me to allow him to call upon me, which i had declined to do for a number of reasons. and now i realised that it was simply because, knowing that albertine was staying in the house, he had wished to be on good terms with me so as to have every facility for seeing her and for carrying her off from me, and i concluded that he was a scoundrel. some time later, when i attended the first performances of this young man’s works, no doubt i continued to think that if he had been so anxious to call upon me, it was for albertine’s sake, but, while i felt this to be reprehensible, i remembered that in the past if i had gone down to doncieres, to see saint-loup, it was really because i was in love with mme. de guermantes. it is true that the situation was not identical, since saint-loup had not been in love with mme. de guermantes, with the result that there was in my affection for him a trace of duplicity perhaps, but no treason. but i reflected afterwards that this affection which we feel for the person who controls the object of our desire, we feel equally if the person controls that object while loving it himself. no doubt, we have then to struggle against a friendship which will lead us straight to treason. and i think that this is what i have always done. but in the case of those who have not the strength to struggle, we cannot say that in them the friendship that they affect for the controller is a mere ruse; they feel it sincerely and for that reason display it with an ardour which, once the betrayal is complete, means that the betrayed husband or lover is able to say with a stupefied indignation: “if you had heard the protestations of affection that the wretch showered on me! that a person should come to rob a man of his treasure, that i can understand. but that he should feel the diabolical need; to -ssure him first of all of his friendship, is a degree of ignominy and perversity which it is impossible to imagine.” now, there is no such perversity in the action, nor even an absolutely clear falsehood. the affection of this sort which albertine’s pseudo-fiancé had manifested for me that day had yet another excuse, being more complex than a simple consequence of his love for albertine. it had been for a short time only that he had known himself, confessed himself, been anxious to be proclaimed an intellectual. for the first time values other than sporting or amatory existed for him. the fact that i had been regarded with esteem by elstir, by bergotte, that albertine had perhaps told him of the way in which i criticised writers which led her to imagine that i might myself be able to write, had the result that all of a sudden i had become to him (to the new man who he at last realised himself to be) an interesting person with whom he would like to be -ssociated, to whom he would like to confide his plans, whom he would ask perhaps for an introduction to elstir. with the result that he was sincere when he asked if he might call upon me, expressing a regard for me to which intellectual reasons as well as the thought of albertine imparted sincerity. no doubt it was not for that that he was so anxious to come and see me and would have sacrificed everything else with that object. but of this last reason which did little more than raise to a sort of imp-ssioned paroxysm the two other reasons, he was perhaps unaware himself, and the other two existed really, as might have existed really in albertine when she had been anxious to go, on the afternoon of the rehearsal, to mme. verdurin’s, the perfectly respectable pleasure that she would feel in meeting again friends of her childhood, who in her eyes were no more vicious than she was in theirs, in talking to them, in shewing them, by the mere fact of her presence at the verdurins’, that the poor little girl whom they had known was now invited to a distinguished house, the pleasure also that she might perhaps have felt in listening to vinteuil’s music. if all this was true, the blush that had risen to albertine’s cheeks when i mentioned mlle. vinteuil was due to what i had done with regard to that afternoon party which she had tried to keep secret from me, because of that proposal of marriage of which i was not to know. albertine’s refusal to swear to me that she would not have felt any pleasure in meeting mlle. vinteuil again at that party had at the moment intensified my torment, strengthened my suspicions, but proved to me in retrospect that she had been determined to be sincere, and even over an innocent matter, perhaps simply because it was an innocent matter. there remained what andrée had told me about her relations with albertine. perhaps, however, even without going so far as to believe that andrée had invented the story solely in order that i might not feel happy and might not feel myself superior to her, i might still suppose that she had slightly exaggerated her account of what she used to do with albertine, and that albertine, by a mental restriction, diminished slightly also what she had done with andrée, making use systematically of certain definitions which i had stupidly formulated upon the subject, finding that her relations with andrée did not enter into the field of what she was obliged to confess to me and that she could deny them without lying. but why should i believe that it was she rather than andrée who was lying? truth and life are very arduous, and there remained to me from them, without my really knowing them, an impression in which sorrow was perhaps actually dominated by exhaustion
as for the third occasion on which i remember that i was conscious of approaching an absolute indifference with regard to albertine (and on this third occasion i felt that i had entirely arrived at it), it was one day, at venice, a long time after andrée’s last visit
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