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lirik lagu malachi choi - hand on my heart

verse 1:

like reruns of a play, i replay the past each day
they say the child you were, shapes who you are today
and on that topic, i feel i’ve got much to say
back to the days of a young boy playing in the grass

family split, strained as time went pass
weekdays with dad, weekends with mom
the root of my pain, where it had all begane
i tried to maintain but i i~ made it rain

kindergarten tears, didn’t want to be alone
the thought of that to me was so unknown
and i wasn’t very grown felt like a cheap bone
thrown into my own gravestone

dad was working hard, i knew hе would try to be there
but hours of waiting at daycarе left no time to spare
kids picked on me, felt like n0body cared
the thought of bugging him left me deeply scared

so naturally i gravitated towards my brother
but he was older and really couldn’t even bother
i remember constantly wanting to hang with him
but he was embarrassed of me, pushed me away, where i was alone again
he lived at my mothers house a whole new problem to uncover
the times spent there where we suffered
my own mother slapped me for asking for food
begged her to quit the smokes and tobacco chewed

constant bad talking and making fun of me
i never understood why she and he took it to that extreme
an environment with constant holes in the walls
anger and screams clouded this all

days of cold nights, breaking in just to find a roof overhead
getting in and out with various different men
one of whom had a n~z~ tat
and a gun that went ratatatat

at the time, i didn’t know that all of this was bad, as my love was for the fam was like a valuable gem
i was taken away at the end of the weekend, tears spilt as i deeply missed them

so when the day came where we suddenly stopped seeing them, the drugs and alcohol deemed her unfit then, it hurt me much, crushed me right there and then, i had to face the truth that i’d never see them again

i had lost touch with my mother, and both of my brothers, used video games as my own personal way to recover father didn’t approve when too much time covered vividly i remember he that would be

yelling at me, slamming doors, hurling out insults like he was keeping score, in recent days however i ignore as he’s grown from this, puts up with my recent bullsh~t

nowadays i aspire to be as good as him, grow like him, a message i carry like a sacred emblem
but at the time, this really scarred me, for it seemed that everyone i loved either left or hurt me
and the only thing that gave this kid a sense of purpose just fueled more hatred from the only one close
what was the point of my existence? when will i finally be free? i found myself questioning that constantly

verse 2:

i picked up on the same issues, replicating what i had been exposed to
or is that just an excuse for the bad i’ve done?
the n words and slurs against others for fun
the teasing of pr~nouns and worships of guns

joke about rape telling people to k!ll themselves
hate of lgbtq preaching they should be in cells
along with saying all women are the same and spewing all this other forsaken hate

it’s a past i’d rather forget, but i want to be honest
my sins are not modest, and that i acknowledge
so i now stand as a force of knowledge to fight against the evil i had abolished

sometimes i feel so much hate, the anger boiling
i think of the yells and the punches in the walls
and so when get mad at something as small game i pick up a baseball bat and slam it my doorframe

i pick up a painting i had given to my dad and i think of all the times he had gotten mad
scream so loud that i get noise complaints
snap the motherf~cker in half so he can feel my pain
turn to my left, see a scared shocked face
my dog running away faster than a footpace
i follow in the hopes of calming her down
in the corner of the bathroom i had found

her sweet puppy eyes, tongue and body shaking with fear
my mind unprepared i collapsed in tears
how could i hurt something that had only loved me?
and suddenly i feel the times reoccurring

but an hour later, cuddled up against my chest
knew i had to change, it’s the only way to progress
from that pain i’ve grown, and now i’m working on the best
my mind on the future, forgiveness i beg

verse 3:

so we come to the present
and i’m conflicted with the past
that past causing me to develop current issues handfast
that clash and contrast with this present time
leaving me scarred with a hard mental divide

scared to lose the ones i get too close to
causes insecurity that pushes them further through
it seems that’s the only way my mental grew
accepting to let them go move on and continue

some friends, witness them smoke and drink
i think back to my own mother family
how substance abuse affected both them and me
i tried to preach, but they didn’t understand me

i believe after that, they talked sh~t behind my back
thats f~cking wack, all i showed them was consideration and love
but they wanted to take it to push and shove
so that’s that, and like that theres no going back

we come to a more present time, my mom and i reconnected
thought with caution, her and i have been texting
in just a month, it’d be june 2024
i’ll be graduate, high school no more

i think how she at least deserves to see one of her sons succeed
so we come to the day of, after my graduate speech
i see her, bloodshot eyes, pale and bleach
my mind screeches how could this be?

this was a husk of someone who i once remembered
her first interaction, another joke at the expensive of me
flashback to the times of a younger me
why’d i let her get close again, i feel the anger building

broke down in tears, pushed her away from me
distancing myself from the rest of my family
watched my old friends from a distance absentee, the ex one more talk with she

i left that room, once more feeling lost and alone
sometimes i look back on that day unsure if i’ve grown
it seems i’m always on a mental plateau
but i try to move forward, it’s the only way to go

ending:

this audio clip was spoken by a man called billy herrington he was a kind and amazing person, who was healthy and had a massive following, despite that though, he sadly passed away in a car crash on march 2, 2018 at 48 years of age, he never got to be 100 like he thought he was

to have this life is a gift and like any gifts, we must cherish and make the most of them. sometimes life can be rough, but we have to go through rough times to appreciate the good, along with that we must always look to the light, the good to each day and improving each day, rest in peace billy

it’s odd ain’t it? you feel you should have happiness
but you just ain’t feeling it
i get a tight feeling in my chest
random mood swings, happy and next
happy moments replaying in my mind, shining their light on my dark present time

it feels time only gets worse, but then
how far i’ve come, how much i did in a year
i look to the future, with the past now gone, i sit and back and realize that i’ve become strong
all the lessons serving me, as i take the next step

- lirik lagu malachi choi

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