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lirik lagu freshy kanal - benoit blanc vs. hercule poirot

[verse 1: hercule poirot]
mon dieu…
this poor man’s been attacked!
don’t panic, though; have some confidence
murders on the track
are exactly what i am strongest in!
ah, monsieur blanc, is it?
you’re, how you say… incompetent
something here is afoot
so watch me once again go stomp on (shhhh…)
you’re too bothered with these long metaphors
that you use to accomplish and prove nothing!
rule out people, then you deduce from it
so what do you do that a game of clue couldn’t?
took a genre so crucially truthful
and churned out regurgitative spoof vomit!
if you’re wondering who blanc is, he’s stood accused
of reducing a whodunit… to a who’s dumbest
ah! the best detective’s not likely
double~o~seven herbs and spices
the only sense he’s left is of dress
and that’s ‘cause inspector called a new stylist!
i detect every tiny
detail ‘cause my mind magnifies it
yet what i’ll never find is
benoit blanc on any invite list!
you’re an impostor in hot water
like among us in the bathtub
so full of cr~p, cut that bumpkin accent
you yap with, because the act’s up!
contrive your way into my brain
with writing help from rian?
mon ami, there’s only one gray cell
i’ll let you see inside of
[verse 2: benoit blanc]
this case is like an egg…
what i mean is, you can’t stand it
that’s alright ~ enter benoit blanc
he’s here to crack it!
can i ask that you retract
all your dull points like a fake knife?
now, that mustache mask
alone’s covering up a crime!
your far~fetched farming dreams
will have to wait tight
the only thing you’ve planted
in the soil is your late wife
it’s not a mystery
since seeing him be so wicked
that dame agatha christie
wish he’d never been written!
but please, before you diss me
consider the wind conditions
watch it blow up in your face literally
wire you trippin’?
the collected evidence confirms
this decorated veteran possessed
the intent to disperse of this gentleman
thus making this murder his second one!
you’ve certainly switched your profession up
now learn the taste of your own medicine!
too bad i couldn’t have served him it earlier
and prevented his heart from letting up
[verse 3: columbo]
sorry to interrupt
your skirmish, detectives
i’m lieutenant columbo
i’d like to ask a few questions
i’ve never been
the kinda man to act tough
but don’t force my hands
or i’ll show you howcatchem
i know you smart types all have your methods
but blanc, it’s awful suspicious
to find you next to that lifeless body
arguing with it
poirot, you said you worked with cops
but what i’m tryna figure out
you spent all that time in brussels
never tried one of their sprouts?
and i’m sorry for your loss
wives can nag at ya for a while
but even after the murder
you’re still… living in denial?
mr. blanc, he inspired your act
right in fact
i can tell, ‘cause a donut’s not
the kinda hole some would describe you as
spent weeks abroad
stressing your husband; suspicious, isn’t it?
you’ll be the first man
to catch a case while social distancing
that’s all. boy, whoever did this
must’ve been some posh sn0b…
oh, just one more thing
how much those watches cost?
[verse 4: l]
just one thing indeed, lieutenant
i’ll have to stop you right there
don’t think you’re n’s successor
just because you’re growing white hairs
how typical
it’s rich men who you target as suspects
but my suspicions of your guilt have grown
beyond just one percent
so yes, i’d hardly call you qualified
for solving this man’s death
the fake eye tells me your perception sk!lls
are far out of their depth
in all of your episodes
it’s the same stars you’re opposing
oh, this time, rob culp’s the culprit?
fantastic job, sherlock homeless
you take what’s known, rediscover it
less columbo, more columbus
and that glass eye would spill glass tears
before you ever cracked a glass onion
your entire charade
is built on lies and folk tales
that body seems like just
another target mr. falk tailed

[verse 5: batman]
not quite
but since you play a chess match well
i am the dark knight
and i’ve been following your path, l
we both were orphans
but through the pain, i forged my way with discipline
your mind was molded
in a program made for gifted kids
i don’t think
your goal’s to save the innocent
prestige must be sugar~laced
i know your brain’s addicted to it
your ego’s feasted well
off tokyo’s carcass
the perfect foil to kira
because you’re heartless
treating lives like they’re p~wns
spending all of your time
watching the light
but make sure you mind the darkness
gotham’s shinigami
in the darkest corners of the city watching
preserving life
and crashing any guilty party!
riddle solving, it comes with the job
so hide as hideki, l, or ryuzaki
there’s no pseudonym
that you’re adopting which will stop me!
all that effort
to see light indicted
just to be written off
by his sidekick’s sidekick
the pieces point to you to all sides
what will you do next?
it’s checkmate, and you’re just like your heart
with no moves left

[verse 6: sh~ggy, scooby doo, and batman]
how many damaged fragile assh0l~s
does it take to crack a murder scene?
like, don’t lash out at sh~ggy, man
‘cause it wasn’t me!
(batman!) scoob, we can’t
rush to conclusions; it’s important
last time someone took shots
in the dark, bruce got orphaned!
boy, wonder where you would get a sidekick
if the elementary doesn’t let him back in!
‘cause i don’t think you’ll get away with
like, how you like to meddle with kids!
been let up and tricked for eighty~three years
and gotham’s hope has not gotten closer!
no belt or bat wings and i’m better equipped
give me one crossover, i’ll drop the joker!
every quack in arkham
slides right past ya when you catch ‘em
like, i get the “bat” thing
you’re blinder than velma without her glasses!
he’s got a sh~gworthy sized mansion
why are you never happy?
gang, unmask him! it’s ben affleck
zoinks! and he’s method acting!
one percent, and i trash
your crummy villains in under minutes
like, who raised you to be such an idiot?
like, the butler did it!
okay, rogers, solve the murder
if you’re so d~mn smart
like, i don’t know, man
i’m only here for the free sandwich bar!

[verse 7: sherlock holmes and dr. watson]
pass me my pipe and my hat
i got my eyes on the facts
stringing more notes than my violin has
this case is finally cracked
step on the street with the baker
and i put that fire in my raps
now that you’re talking to sherlock holmes
there ain’t a mind who can match!
no, you can’t handle the truth
i’ve seen dead bodies that bring better value than you!
what do you actually do?
no better than bait when your crew leaves you battered and bruised!
not a hard fact to deduce!
gathering clues on some baskerville hounds
see a dog that can bite, tear a man to the ground
but the mutts laid before me are sh~ggy and scoob!
hercule, i can see you ain’t aged well
no evidence; relying on your fake tells
my sidekick’s a doctor
arthur hastings still ain’t using his brain or his “gray cells”
searching for the murderer in cottages and quaint dwells!
terminate a perpetrator ‘fore they ever raise h~ll!
pray tell, you derail to distract
from the pain when your wife derailed from the track, like…
batman, all the tech that you got
ain’t helping you more than one line of coke
under all of that stuff
you’re down to the core a regular bloke
even l needs a force behind him
i’m solving crimes on my own
so go read about it; gain more renown with
every death that i note!
riding through on a horse~drawn carriage
right past frank, who got caught in traffic!
run~down car; only banger he’s having
he’s sorting clues; can’t sort his marriage!
monsieur blanc, here’s advice i’m giving
stop the villain ‘fore the crime’s committed!
’cause every visit, you find a victim
like you’ve been bribed by sly morticians!
gathering the clues of the crime, all you sleuths can’t decide
on the culprit, the weapon, or who’s in the right!
but by looking how the lace on his shoe has been tied
and the stains of the juice on his thigh…
that he tumbled and fell, i assume with a fright
but i see there’s no blood or a wound in my sight!
with the use of my light, see the moves of his eye
i can only conclude that this dude’s still alive!

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