lirik lagu fear not ourselves alone - i want to talk about everything
i am learning what it is to navigate an intricacy
color lines and boundaries
everything my mother says to not put on the internet is on the internet, unfortunately
i log onto twitter sometimes and see my ex~best friend at the top of my newsfeed
she has one tweet that reads, “being transgender is knowing you’ll always be your father’s son and being okay with that”
i read this during the year i plan to move to philadelphia
out of my parents’ house to answer the gendered quеstion
my little cousin leaves a notе on my bed that reads, “jorgito please don’t go”
and i don’t go
i remain my father’s son, making peace with the terms i am still learning to accept
except
one september night i run away from home
asking my parents, “where did we go wrong?”
and i think it’s more like a question for myself, because
what is the weight of diaspora to the generation who never experiences immigration?
is it heavy metal rock hands in a foreign country?
because if so, f~ck yeah baby, i’m in it!
or is it honeycombs and birthing hips
the look on my lover’s face at the point of conception?
we pause for a moment to consider the consequence
then let it settle in
settling down with our intergenerational paycheck
pouring limonadas for our little gringitos
as we play house in florida
it is a place we can learn to forget and then let it settle in
then let it settle in
then let it settle in
it is not so much a nothing as it is a something
crying over a podcast where a child picks their gender
you begin to wonder how many lifetimes you’re going to spend
crying over something as stupid as a gender
your parents speak the gendered language but refuse the gendered child
your white friends talk to their parents about a thing like f~cking
you’re your white friend’s best white friend yet you don’t know how to talk about anything
i wanna be a philadelphia transvestite who talks about everything
a cool riot grrrl who rolls her r’s extra long so you know where the f~ck she came from
the rage of menstruation flowing inside me without ever knowing the trauma
in culture of silence
what is trauma to the mother of a child who has come out broken?
how embarrassing must it be to invest so much of yourself into someone
only to find out they have come out broken
then let it settle in
they don’t tell you to think
because you shouldn’t have to
they don’t tell you to think
because that is your privilege
they don’t tell you to think
because they just had to deal with it
they don’t tell you to think
because there is still work to be done
i fall in love with old latina women at the gym
who only understand the body as a form of currency
they know they ain’t sh~t and i hope to grow up pretty like them
as i chip away at the gendered question
my hands become calloused
resembling more like my father’s hands
he is a mechanic, and a karaoke singer
and i
i am someone who wants to talk about everything
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