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lirik lagu chi therealist - leonnia [extended version]

hey

sometimes i get upset, people believe in me too much

feel like it’s pressure and a reason for me to keep going when it’s tough

lately, every day been tough

i’ve hardly had the time to breathe

i fell in love and lost my heart

in the same year… i’m tryna grieve

i got a team

and they believe

but am i selfish cuz i don’t

they encourage mе keep fighting

am i helpless if i won’t

i been tryna not to drink
i’ve been tryin not to smokе

cuz i’m afraid i’ll be dependent

on a vice to help me cope

i wanna jump inside that casket

i wanna hold my mama close

sometimes i sit inside her house alone and try to feel her ghost

but that’s not my gift, so i just sit

looking stupid

leaking tears

cuz how arrogant was i to think i’d have a few more years

a lil more time to take you shopping ma

more time to buy you gifts

more time to get that house i promised
and finally take some pics

cuz i know you always hated pictures but i got you to submit

cuz you so gorgeous it’s important to let the world know you exist

i’m glad i gave you one last kiss, if i would known i’d given twenty

you always said you wanted rest… and now you gone and you got plenty

and it hurts

hard to smile when i feel awful inside

imagine being afraid to lose someone

and then watching them die

keep it goin

and it hurts

hard to smile when i feel awful inside
imagine being afraid to lose someone

and then watching them die

verse two

another attempt with the pen to vent again

and channel this hurt through

i haven’t prayed in some days and it shames me to say

that i ain’t been to church to

i opened the page ventilation my virtue

but am i saiyan enough? or am i just hercule

i relive the day, the pain, the sight of her laying… the panic immense

paramedics there pumping her chest while i stress

knowing this is the end

paralytic i stand in cement

turning my trembling hands into fist

dammit, i can’t even vent

admitting that losing my grandma is a cannon event

i got down to hold her until her body got colder

her face getting stiff is a feeling i never got over

i only thought of rigor mortis as a song by kenny lamar

now i experience it while my grandma is gone

wasn’t ready to come home and i told her

f~ck

i’m f~ckin heartbroken

like why the f~ck i let them people cut yo heart open

tell me how do you heal

how do you deal

how do you start coping

try to swallow the pain and then i start choking

my brains become a dark ocean

i was told to take a break from writing this and recap how i feel

never unpacked it

i just stayed distracted from the real

the fact that i’m even writing’s giving chills

but taking a break from work won’t give me a break from bills

and what’s ill is that

people always tellin me that my realest raps are when i’m healing

poetry my penicillin

off the top i pen a ceiling

it’s just hard to think i felt on top of the world a day before…

now my world feel like it ain’t sh~t without you in it

pardon my speech, as i’m writing this i’m starting to weep

now i’m reminiscing watching you sleep

did a deal with god i guess offered you peace

i’ll fight for you because you fought hard for me

and i’ll never leave u

i’ll never leave u

- lirik lagu chi therealist

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