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lirik lagu chalkboard - never

that was… i lost count of the amount of times i tried to play that. i don’t even know how to play harmonica. uhm, i got about a minute and a half in last time before my brother interrupted. then i spent a solid ten minutes, uh, fixing audacity crashing, because… it kept crashing. and, uhm, now i’m here. this is here, this is now. i sit by my desk, as i have for so many days, and so many nights. and i wonder to myself, what am i doing? my, uh, name change, got adjourned. i, i asked them to adjourn it, because, uhm.. i just have some documents that are, kind of a mess, i don’t have… any photo id. any photo identification, because… the, the prospect of having another piece of paper with that name on it. it just, anguishes me. so, i don’t have a choice but to wait for my passport to arrive now. and, i don’t know when that’s going to happen. i hope it gets here on time. that’s all i can say

my boyfriend left his gloves here from last time he visited me. they, they still smell like him. they’ve been there for well over a week. things are going pretty alright, all things considered. i’m doing much better than i was before, but… i still feel antsy, i still feel antsy. it’s like, something, at the back of my brain, that’s just yelling. and, i know what it is, i just struggle to put a name to it. fear? i guess that’s it. i mean, i turned 18 like, what? i’m almost 19, sh~t. that’s f~cked up. and i’m still here, still got a couple months to go before i graduate high school, then off to college, then god knows what. and i wonder sometimes, is this really, like… it? i.t., it? is this where it’s going? maybe. i could die tomorrow for all i know. we all could. the great incertainty of the future, scares me, scares me, and… i don’t know if i’ll ever get over it. i might… never get over it. i try to never think about. i try to never think about sp~ce, i try to never think about… the imposing doom of the world and all that. because, if i don’t think about it, then… well, i know it won’t go away, but… maybe it’ll be more manageable. uhm, there is something that i wrote, back in, like, october of last~ two years ago. it’s been… october of ’21

i’m on the bus home, listening to reuse the cels by car seat headrest, and the bus stops at a red light. i saw a small child, less than 10 years old probably, and, uh, he was dropped off in front of his house by a small private school bus. he had a colorful backpack and a lunchbox. his uhm, well, i presume his mother, uh.. was in front of the two~story house waiting for him. he happily jumped in his mom’s direction, holding her hand and bouncing. i couldn’t see his face but i knew he had a smile. i felt tempted to cry but i don’t know why. as the bus drove off, a crimson colored car soon followed, driving to the house’s driveway. and the boy jumped along, making his way to the driver’s door. the passenger door opening was the last thing i saw before that scene left my sight

i haven’t thought about that until earlier today. i never think about that

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