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lirik lagu astacia arienette - snakes and ladders

somebody once asked me
if my religion was danger
i’m not faithful, truthfully
but there was always revolution in the manger
he asked if i believed in evil things
i said, ‘everything has a reason to be’
what i meant by that has a more sinister ring
‘i only know of the evil that’s in me’

i’m a walking contradiction
a misanthropic extrovert
i reserve my own conviction
because i would rather controvert
i’d make a good politician
if i cared less about humanity
because i have enough volition
to look past my own vanity

i’m a critical apologist
ovеrconsumer communist
loyal sl~t and devoted traitor
why can’t you just likе the way he made you?
so i’m eve with independence
who did not come from the ether
or i’m adam with no side wound
and no appendage either
genesis is not what it was then
i would still give up on what i know
i still place my fate in the soles of other men
to hold onto the hope that i have time to grow
running away would prove my strength
but then again so would staying
i prove patience with my stay’s length
but i will never resort to praying

my hamartia is over consideration
i’m a paradox of passion and resentment
hamlet would be envious
if he could figure out what my thoughts meant
but no one can, not even me
though i spend every second of my life trying
calm is the best thing i can be
but i can be calm when i’m dying

i believe i could do anything at all
if i could ever have the guts to have the drive
i’m smart enough to know that if i jump, i’ll fall
but i’m too proud to know the reason i’m alive
i’d jump at the chance to know it
i’d jump at the chance to change
life’s so rough that i’d just blow it
but i think that’s just how you feel at this age
the blood~brain barrier’s not functioning
the inflammation’s troubling
i never ran until i lost myself running
put your money where your mouth is, put your mouth on nothing
apathetic desire kept me going for a while
and i felt my heart ache whenever i would smile
so for now i’ll make sure that i stand out
by fitting right in to cope with the burnout

every day i feel like i’m wearing a costume
someone else’s skin wrapped over my own
at least that’s how it appears in the mirror
i’ll call myself the wrong name til they write it on my headstone
oh oh, i’ve been good for years
oh oh, better than i should have been
i stayed alive through blood loss and tears
i was sick, but it’s just called being a teen

i’m a compulsive liar and pathologically honest
unconditional love was not how it was promised
keep pictures of my idols on my walls
but it doesn’t inspire me, just makes me feel small
because i’ll never have what it takes to be great
because i’ll never have what it takes to be brave
i’m deathly scared of love, apathy, and hate
and they’re gonna carve the wrong name on my grave
it’s all time or sp~ce or how we cope with them
so i understand the cynical rhythm
i could only really breathe when i was alone
i could only really cope when i was with him
i’d tell myself that i’m just like narcissus
and then care enough to feign glares of disgust
in the eyes of the people that i love
while they tell me all the good i’m deserving of

it’s no good, proving yourself
when you have nothing to prove
it’s no good, proving yourself
when you’re proving it to you
i’m no star, i’m a fanatic
i give in to the abyss
so that i seem less erratic
it’s just obsession in my kiss

i didn’t think i could feel love
thought i was made to feel pain
i was made to be unloved
i was made to be ashamed
but you love me regardless
i don’t think i will ever get it
i feel like i’m wholly heartless
but i’ll make sure you don’t regret it

i still don’t know who i am, after many a rebirth
all i am is fear behind wild eyes and a smirk
i’ve done enough denial for an acting career’s worth
and i block out cries of it but my d~mn ears still work
i close my eyes to it, but it finds me in braille
and i keep trying to hide from it, to no avail
i don’t want to die like this, i want to prevail
but if i was fated to survive it, i would’ve been male

- lirik lagu astacia arienette

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